Progress Report - Day 11 of stims - Updated!!!!

Actually, I'm really not sure whether this is a 'progress' report or a 'status quo' report??

So, according to the latest wanding session I have 14 follicles on my right ovary that are all under 10mm, and 16 follicles on my left ovary under 10mm. At my last two appointments Dr. G said that although they were all still small, they were showing signs of growing, and better still, that they were all growing at the same rate. Last week he said that although it was slow going with me, that so far this is exactly the response he would have hoped for.

My E2 (estrogen) levels had been rising pretty steadily, from 30-something, to 60-something, to 110-something on Thursday morning last week. But then, when I went in on Saturday over this past weekend, for some bizarre reason my E2 had dropped all the way back down to 30-something! Who knows why my broken body reacts the way it does, but it is just so frustrating.

So, over the weekend he upped my dose of Follistim from 112ius to 150ius. We kept the Menopur dose the same, at 37.5ius. I was hoping this would cause a commotion in there - because remember, on my last cycle, 200 was the dose at which things really got going.

But, ho-hum, this morning's wanding revealed that all my little follicles are still just that - little. All are still under 10mm. I saw Dr. B this morning instead of Dr. G, and Dr. B said not to get too discouraged, and that the blood work would be more revealing and more of a diagnostic tool than the wanding at this stage of the game. If my E2 comes back low again, she said they'd likely up the dose again. If not, I'll probably stick to the 150ius dose until the next wanding on Wednesday morning.

I'm so anxious to see some real activity! I'm soooooooo preoccupied with getting to the retrieval-transfer stage. In spite of my best efforts to remain numb, Hope has taken up residence in earnest. I have almost nightly dreams about babies - not that we're pregnant, but that we already have a baby that I'm feeding and carrying and rocking and kissing. Last night I even dreamed that we had twins! (In the dream, Pamela Andersen Lee was our nanny, and our neighbors called the police bc Tommy Lee kept showing up and shouting in our front yard, but I digress......)

Anyway, the point is that the possibility of success seems all too real to me - easily visualized. Even as horrifically dangerous as I know this is, this outlook is making me all the more anxious and full of nervous energy and ready for action!!!!

However, part of my bubble was definitely burst this morning in the RE's office. A woman came in as I was signing in at the receptionist's desk, and announced that she had come bearing gifts for the office. She brought forth a giant shopping bag, and as she hauled out sharp's containers, needles, syringes, leftover medication, etc., she told the nurses that she wanted to donate all of her unused items because she and her husband were "DONE."

She said, "...we've been at this for more than 3 years now, and as of today, we're either pregnant, or we're done. And I pee'ed on a stick last night and came up with squat, so I believe we're officially done." She went on to ask for a form to officially withdraw from shared risk.

When she sat down, I broke the cardinal rule of etiquette in RE waiting rooms across the nation(which dictates strict silence and lack of eye contact)and I said as empathetically as I could, "I hope the Goddamn stick was wrong!" She smiled and said, "Thanks, but after 3 years, seven thousand dollars worth of drugs for each cycle that our HMO won't cover, and the last 2 months of walking around looking like I'm already 2 months pregnant, I've just had it with this shit. I hope someone else can use my leftover drugs, and that they'll have a better outcome than we did."

What amazed me was how upbeat and straightforward she seemed to be about this resolute decision. I was thinking that were I in that position, I'd likely be overcome with the poor-me's, and would be swollen-faced and bleary-eyed, asking for tissues along with the shared risk withdrawal form.

For the rest of my wait, I had to battle the monster negative thoughts that came at me full force - "you seeee? there are no guarantees even with IVF! if it didn't work for her, why in blue blazes would you think it could possibly work for you? this first cycle is never going to work, never ever. and after that, even if you scrounge up the money to buy 6 chances in shared risk, none of THOSE are going to work either! that's going to be you 1 or 2 years from now, throwing up your hands, crying uncle, asking for your money back bc you'll be broke after paying for all of those drugs!!"

I think I've gotten those crappy thoughts back under control now, but caged as they are, they are still there, niggling at the back of my mind and threatening to overcome Hope's voice at any moment.

This afternoon's phone call with my E2 results could really help to banish those thoughts even further back, if my levels are indeed heading in the right direction......

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UPDATE: E2 level is back up to 112! All doses to remain the same until I go back on Wednesday morning.....