Monday, July 30, 2007

7dp3dt

Found out over the weekend that none of our 'extra' embryos made it to the freezing stage. Dr. G tried to be reassuring about it - he told us before the transfer that we shouldn't be surprised if we didn't end up with frozen embryos, as less than half of the patients in our clinic don't either.

And then over the weekend he told us that there is absolutely no correlation between the success of the current cycle and whether or not there are embryos available to freeze. He encouraged us again about the quality of the 'compacting' embryo we transferred. And on the day of the transfer, the embryologist reassured us that they regularly see pregnancies from embryos like the "slower" one we also transferred.

In spite of all that, I still feel discouraged.

And I know I'm doing myself such a disservice by POAS every day. (I started on Friday morning, and am now unable to stop.) I'm doing better than last time though - last time I POAS twice, even three times a day! But that only lasted a week, as my period showed up early and put me out of my misery, as far as the suspense goes.

Ask me how many times I've googled these phrases: "earliest BFP after IVF", "earliest accurate HPT after embryo transfer" or "BFP at 4dp3dt, 5dp3dt, 6dp3dt, etc., etc.,) Anyway, I'm powerless against the siren call of the pee sticks in my bathroom.

I think I'm also depressed because for the past 3 nights I've had EXTREMELY vivid dreams of getting a positive pee stick result. I dream that I jump back into bed to tell R, that I grab the dog and dance around the room with him, that I call my mother crying with joy, etc. Then, when I wake up, it takes me a minute to figure out that it was just a dream, which creates the obvious crash back down to reality. GAWD it's awful.

And on top of it all, there's this undercurrent of feeling like I'm fooling myself into thinking this even has a snowball's chance in hell of working. I keep thinking of how idiotic I'll feel when I find out it didn't work, how stupid it was to waste my time imagining symptoms (do my boobs hurt? is it just the progesterone?). I kind of get this vision of myself looking like a total dope with a big stupid grin on my face, going thru all of these machinations for no reason: being all excited, R patting my stomach and referring to 'Frick and Frack' (his names for the 2 embryos), taking pains to avoid caffeine and alcohol, not lifting heavy items, asking R to bring the laundry basket up and down the stairs when I'm doing laundry, carefully timing every one of our evenings so that R gives me the progesterone shot precisely at 10pm every night. Ack! What a rube! What a moron! What a dumb ass!!!

And on top of THAT - I'm in the middle of the first fight I've had with my best friend in many, many years and consequently I feel like the universe has run right off of its goddamn tracks, AND, our beloved Westie - Murphy - nipped at R this morning for absolutely no reason when R was trying to kiss him goodbye.

When R was saying goodbye to us this morning, I was still in bed, and Murphy was laying at the foot of our bed. R's theory is that Murphy can somehow, through his extra doggie perceptiveness, sense that I'm preggo, and his reaction when R came into the room and got down into his face came from some instinct to protect the pregnant lady. I don't buy this for one minute, but I have to admit that I LOVED that R came up with this theory. I found it very touching...

Soooooo, one week down...... one week and one day until beta.....

3 comments:

In Search of Morning Sickness said...

That sounds so hard... I just REALLY feel for you because I can IMAGINE you must really be going through some severe ups and downs.... That said....

I think you're doing the right thing to POAS. I'm gonna. From all the stories online I've seen, ladies who don't POAS to watch the HCG trigger get out of the system and DO get a BFP then go crazy wondering if it's real or not! You don't need that! And there's no way I'd ever wait for the blood test... are you kidding me?!?!

Secondly, I totally get the foolish feeling about all you're doing IN CASE this has worked. I don't see a way around it. Every cycle - natural (esp those 1st few blissful months TTC), clomid, IUI, post-HSG, etc) I've felt such a fool afterward thinking about how I concocted all sorts of sweet ways of telling J, my fam, the way I stayed off of any caffiene, even took extra Folic Acid when the IUI's had 3 follicles so in case I was preg w/multiples they'd get enough... Sheesh. It just plain sucks and you just can't get over the foolish feeling. You only know a limited amount right now and have to act on it.

We all are just REALLY praying and hoping this IS a pregnancy for you. What you're going through is incredibly tough. We're here to listen. I wish I could say more....

jeanie said...

Ok, I'm feeling guilty about giving you that website. No, it's probably not the best plan, but I can totally relate to feelng compelled to poas every hour. This is just a really difficult, emotional time for anyone going through it. Hang in there. I am so hopeful (and I think with good reason) that this is the last time you will have to deal with this.

megan said...

you're half way there!
though i realize that is little consolation for you.
i love the theory that R came up with about Murphy. . . and let's hope that he's right. i hope this remaining time goes by quickly.