Monday, July 30, 2007

Spotting - UPDATED

I'm spotting, just a tiny, tiny bit.

This is exactly the same thing that happened in my last IUI. I convinced myself for 2 whole days that it was implantation spotting, and then, my period arrived in full glory.

It's far too late for implantation spotting at 7dp3dt, isn't it? Yes, I know, it is. I think this might be it for this cycle. Just like last time, my body won't even do me the courtesy of making it to beta...

I can't believe this.


OK, first of all, thank you, thank you, thank you to Jeanie and Samantha and others for your reassuring comments. I have managed to talk myself out of the defeatist attitude from earlier today. I'm not CONVINCED that it's all over, but I'm still skeptical.

The spotting only happened that one time, in the bathroom at work this afternoon. It was gone when I went back the next time. It was pink and brown, not red. But still....


Found out over the weekend that none of our 'extra' embryos made it to the freezing stage. Dr. G tried to be reassuring about it - he told us before the transfer that we shouldn't be surprised if we didn't end up with frozen embryos, as less than half of the patients in our clinic don't either.

And then over the weekend he told us that there is absolutely no correlation between the success of the current cycle and whether or not there are embryos available to freeze. He encouraged us again about the quality of the 'compacting' embryo we transferred. And on the day of the transfer, the embryologist reassured us that they regularly see pregnancies from embryos like the "slower" one we also transferred.

In spite of all that, I still feel discouraged.

And I know I'm doing myself such a disservice by POAS every day. (I started on Friday morning, and am now unable to stop.) I'm doing better than last time though - last time I POAS twice, even three times a day! But that only lasted a week, as my period showed up early and put me out of my misery, as far as the suspense goes.

Ask me how many times I've googled these phrases: "earliest BFP after IVF", "earliest accurate HPT after embryo transfer" or "BFP at 4dp3dt, 5dp3dt, 6dp3dt, etc., etc.,) Anyway, I'm powerless against the siren call of the pee sticks in my bathroom.

I think I'm also depressed because for the past 3 nights I've had EXTREMELY vivid dreams of getting a positive pee stick result. I dream that I jump back into bed to tell R, that I grab the dog and dance around the room with him, that I call my mother crying with joy, etc. Then, when I wake up, it takes me a minute to figure out that it was just a dream, which creates the obvious crash back down to reality. GAWD it's awful.

And on top of it all, there's this undercurrent of feeling like I'm fooling myself into thinking this even has a snowball's chance in hell of working. I keep thinking of how idiotic I'll feel when I find out it didn't work, how stupid it was to waste my time imagining symptoms (do my boobs hurt? is it just the progesterone?). I kind of get this vision of myself looking like a total dope with a big stupid grin on my face, going thru all of these machinations for no reason: being all excited, R patting my stomach and referring to 'Frick and Frack' (his names for the 2 embryos), taking pains to avoid caffeine and alcohol, not lifting heavy items, asking R to bring the laundry basket up and down the stairs when I'm doing laundry, carefully timing every one of our evenings so that R gives me the progesterone shot precisely at 10pm every night. Ack! What a rube! What a moron! What a dumb ass!!!

And on top of THAT - I'm in the middle of the first fight I've had with my best friend in many, many years and consequently I feel like the universe has run right off of its goddamn tracks, AND, our beloved Westie - Murphy - nipped at R this morning for absolutely no reason when R was trying to kiss him goodbye.

When R was saying goodbye to us this morning, I was still in bed, and Murphy was laying at the foot of our bed. R's theory is that Murphy can somehow, through his extra doggie perceptiveness, sense that I'm preggo, and his reaction when R came into the room and got down into his face came from some instinct to protect the pregnant lady. I don't buy this for one minute, but I have to admit that I LOVED that R came up with this theory. I found it very touching...

Soooooo, one week down...... one week and one day until beta.....

Friday, July 27, 2007


Ugggghhhhh. How I hate this goddamn two week wait. I feel like every day lasts for at least 3. Every day the pendulum of my emotions swings in a giant arc: if I wake up feeling hopeful and certain that I'm pregnant, I go to bed terrified and in a cold sweat that I'm not.

I've started rationing the last Harry Potter book to myself. I'm a really fast reader, and could blaze through it in one sitting if I let myself. But I decided that a regular distraction each night would be good for me. Would keep me from obsessively reading back through all of you pregnant ladies' blog entries and taking mental note of your descriptions of your retrievals, transfers, embryo quality, early pregnancy symptoms, etc. Which I'm already doing every goddamn day and so anything that keeps me from doing it at night is a good thing.

So I'm allowing myself 30 minutes of Harry per night. It's working, so far. Although, I may cave in this weekend and just read the whole damn thing. I reason that if I chose, I COULD go back and re-read ALL SEVEN Potter books during this 2ww from hell! That would keep me busy!

Oh, I HATE suspense! I just can't take this! I really can't. I think it's inhumane. It's entirely too much build-up! It's a wonder we don't all work ourselves into such a frenzy that we just combust upon receiving the beta results from our clinics.

By my calculations, a week from now, at 11dp3dt, I should be able to get a fairly reliable result from an HPT. So, a week. Or, a more distant goal - 11 more days until beta. It might as well be a thousand.

I have no symptoms. I feel completely normal. Implantation should have happened already, I think, but I've had no spotting of any kind. Which might mean something. Or it might mean nothing. Bugger!

I have to say though, I'm so, so, so encouraged by the outbreak of knocked-up-edness around here!! If you haven't heard already, go read Baby Blues, Ann, and Les' fabulous news.....I hope the good results are contagious!!!!!!!!

Monday, July 23, 2007

Day 3 Transfer

We're home from the transfer! I have to say that the embryo transfer was by far the worst part of this whole IVF cycle, from a physical standpoint. I was in sheer agony bc of having a full bladder! I kept telling R that I wasn't sure I could hold it any longer. When the doctor finally came in and was threading the catheter through my cervix, I told her that I was half convinced that I was going to pee on her at any moment. She clearly thought I was kidding. I wasn't.

I cried through the whole thing. Partly emotions, I'm sure, but also because the nurse was pressing down on my bladder AND my swollen ovaries the entire time. Aaaaaaarrrrgggghhhhhh!!! Man, that really hurt. Obviously, worth it in every way, but still - that was worse than sub Q shots, IM shots, and egg retrieval all rolled into one!!

So the good news is that we had one embryo that was "super-fantastic fabulous looking", but the bad news is that the rest of our embryos are slackers. The dr. said that they like to see embryos between 6 and 10 cells by Day 3. Only one of ours hit that mark this morning, at 8 cells, and the dr. said that it was already showing signs of compacting and dividing again, so it's definitely an overachiever. We transferred the super fantastic one, as well as the next best one, which was at 5 cells this morning. The doc said that they certainly see pregnancies all the time from "so-so" embryos that are still growing a little too slowly on Day 3. She didn't see any reason we should risk transferring more than 2, even with the slower progress of the second one. She then said, in reality, if we do get pregnant, we'll never know whether it was from the superstar embryo, or the C student embryo. Interesting to think about that...

Our other 3 embryos had only made it to 4 cells by the this morning, so they said they would continue watching them to see if they make it to blast and are able to be frozen. But, I'm not holding out too much hope for that.

Anyway, now I'm on bed rest, and R is waiting on me hand and foot, which I have to admit is very nice! I don't know how the hell I'm supposed to be able to stand waiting until AUGUST 7 for our beta test!! Lord knows I will have peed on many a stick by then, but I'll have to hide it from R. He thinks it is a ridiculous waste of money, and he doesn't like the fact that I get all worked up over it every single morning. I think he'd prefer to save all the tears and drama until the end. I'm just not built that way though.....there's no way I could last for 2 weeks without getting some preliminary results from a pee stick.

As soon as I'm up and about again on Wednesday, I'm going to lay in a supply of First Response tests.

And so the wait begins........

Sunday, July 22, 2007

Day 2 Fertilization Report

All 5 embryos are still thriving and dividing normally! Transfer will be Day 3, tomorrow, at 10:45am.


2 week wait begins tomorrow.....well, technically I guess it will be the 12 day wait. No matter, I will still be going out of my gourd the whole time. And against all sense of decorum and sanity, I'm planning to POAS at every opportunity, daily towards the end. I am not one for any sort of suspense, and I can't stand the thought of going in for a beta and getting a subsequent phone call without being able to prepare myself in advance for bad news.

More tomorrow!

Saturday, July 21, 2007

Day 1 Fertilization Report

Well, I'm trying really hard not to feel completely deflated. We have 5 good embyros as of this morning.

Yesterday they told me that that they'd call btw 12 and 3 with the fertilization report, so when Dr. G called me at 9am, my heart leapt into my throat, and I just knew that he was calling to say that none of them fertilized, or that none of them made it thru the night.

Instead he said that all 14 of the eggs they retrieved were mature. He said that was great, since only mature eggs are able to be fertilized. But, he went on to say that although 9 of the 14 fertilized, only 5 began dividing normally. The other 4 either divided abnormally, or were fertilized with more than one sperm.

So, on Day 1, we only have 5. Dr. G. said that he could tell by the tone of my voice that I was crestfallen, but that this was actually good news. He reminded me that he has had many, many patients with similar fert reports who went on to get pregnant. I'm sure that's true.

I guess I just had this fantasy that R and I were going to turn out to be the superheros of the IVF world. That we'd have maybe 10 or 12 fabulous embryos on Day 1, that we'd end up with 5 or 6 superb looking blastocyts on Day 5, and that we'd have lots of embryos to freeze as an insurance policy or for future family building attempts. Doesn't look like that will be the case. I'm now just praying that we end up with at least two to transfer.

I asked Dr. G if today's report meant that we'd most likely have a Day 3 transfer, since we have so few already. He said that it's still too early to know the answer to that, but that 80% of the patients at this clinic have Day 3 transfers, so that was always a safe bet.

He'll call tomorrow to let us know how they fare overnight, and what we're left with.

I have to say, I'm very surprised at the depth of emotion I feel for the embryos - all 9 of them. I didn't expect for this to feel so real - for it to really hit home so quickly that these tiny little multi-celled living things have the potential to be children with R's beautiful brown skin and my eyes running around our house. I didn't expect to have any sort of grief feelings yet, for the embryos that didn't make it, but I do.

We are praying, praying, praying hard for our 5 little precious embryos up there in the lab. Please, please be strong! Just a few more days and you can be nestled snugly in your new home...

Friday, July 20, 2007


I'm home from the retrieval, very loopy and went very well. I'm relieved to report that this time, I was completely out and felt nothing during the procedure! Thank God!

They got 14 eggs, which I'm told is good!

More tomorrow when the fertilization report comes in!

Wednesday, July 18, 2007

Is it in yet??

OMG, we just did the trigger shot, and here's an excerpt from the conversation btw me and R:

R: "OK sweetie, are you ready?"

K: "Um, yeah, I guess so." (voice shaking, palms sweating, on the verge of tears)

R: "Are you sure? Are you ready?"

K: "Yeah, yeah, I'm ready. I'M READY!" (at this point, I had the bathroom counter top in a death grip, and was panting in anticipation of the jolt of pain)

R: "OK baby, here we go..."

K: "Ok, ok, okokokokokokokokokokok..."

R: ......

K: (pant, pant, pant, grind fingernails into counter)

R: ........

K: "Is it in yet? IS IT IN THERE YET?????!!!!!!!!!!"

R: "OK, I'm going to press the plunger in now, ready?"

K: "You mean it's in already? You put it all the way in? Are you sure it's all the way in there???"

R: "Yeah, it's all the way in."

K: "Are you sure? Did you pull back on the plunger? Was there any blood? Did you check for blood? Are you SURE???!!!"

R: "Yes, yes, no blood. It's all over. I pushed the medicine all the way in, it's over."

K: "WHAT?? Are you SURE? I didn't feel it?? I didn't feel a thing - I mean, I didn't even feel at all! I can't believe it! I can't believe I didn't feel it AT ALL!!!"

R: "Oh shit."

K: "WHAT??!!!"

R: "I just pulled it out and you're bleeding everywhere - hand me something, quick!"

R & K: (after pasting a bandaid on my frozen ass) "We did it! We actually did it!"

K: (ever the voice of doom and gloom) "I didn't feel that AT ALL. I can't believe it!.....But, the progesterone in oil will be much harder, because it's so much thicker. I'm sure THAT will hurt...."

Immediately after R left the bathroom, I started crying. From relief. I had worked myself up into such a frenzy while mixing up the diluent with the hcg powder because those fucking needles are SO. FUCKING. HUGE. I was shaking when I handed the goddamn thing back to R. I just couldn't believe I was going to have to take that gigantic needle in my ass every night for God knows how long. It looked like it was about the size of steak knife for fuck's sake.

Oooooooooooooooh thank you thank you thank you thank you Lord for ice packs. Thank GOD I couldn't feel it! I am heaving such a huge sigh of relief right now, you have no idea. Well actually, most of you do have a very good idea. Wheeeeeeeeeeeeewwwwwwwwww.

I can totally take it if the PIO hurts when the medicine goes into my muscle, I am fine and dandy with bruises and muscle pain and not being able to sit down the next day. But I don't know if I could take it if I had to feel that 6 foot long needle going in every time, I really don't. Thank you Lord!

Next hurdle, Friday morning's retrieval.


"Ding!" They're done!

Largest follicle at 23mm as of this morning, as well as several more at 20 thru 17mm.

So......trigger tonight! Retrieval on Friday!! Transfer on Monday or Wednesday, depending on how the embryos are doing!!!

I can't believe it.

I'm delighted, and thrilled, and grinning, and my heart hasn't stopped pounding since I left the RE's office this morning.

But, I'm very apprehensive about 2 things:

First, and most imminent, I'm reeeeealllly anxious about the intra-muscular injections. Since I'm not taking Ovidrel, and taking the generic 5,000iu hcg shot instead, it has to be taken IM instead of subQ. So, it all starts tonight! Ack! I also thought I needn't worry about the progesterone-in-oil injections until after the Transfer - but I found out today that I have to start those on Friday after the Retrieval! Waaaaaahh!!!

The nurse at my RE's office drew two big black circles on either side of my ass, so that R would have perfect targets. She recommended icing the area before hand, so that you don't feel the needle going in (which prevents flinching). She said I should put something warm on it immediately afterwards (a heating pad, a wet washcloth in a baggie microwaved for a minute, etc.) and massage it for awhile, and further, that I shouldn't do the shot just before going to bed. The idea is that I should be moving around enough afterwards for the oil to get worked into the muscle, instead of just sitting there in a lump all night.

I KNOW that I can and will do whatever it takes. I know that I can do this. But since I've never had an IM injection, I'm letting myself get all worked up over it. I'm really, really dreading it. Maybe it is the psychological aspects of giving up control to R, (which has nothing to do with trust - I trust him completely), as well as the shock of looking at such a huuuuuge needle. It elicits a visceral reaction. Ugh.

And the other thing that I'm anxious about is the retrieval process. So, if you remember, the faux retrieval I had last time, which we called a "Follicle Reduction", was incredibly painful. Under no circumstances do I want to feel all those needle punctures in my ovaries again! This morning I told the nurse about my experience, and she was totally horrified. She PROMISED that I would be TOTALLY out for the retrieval this time around, and that I wouldn't feel anything during the procedure. She said that she would put a note in my chart that I wanted to speak to the anesthesiologist beforehand in order to relate my past experience. I guess that makes me feel slightly reassured?? I'm still a ball of nerves over it though.

I'll post again after my first IM shot tonight, if I survive.....

Monday, July 16, 2007

Day 18 of Stims - Report

So, the follicles are growing, ever so slowly but surely! The largest one was up to 18mm this morning! Several others btw 17 and 14, and the rest are still under 12.

I was so impressed this weekend with Dr. G, I can't stop thinking/talking about it! So, on Sunday morning when I went in for monitoring, I only saw the nurse, not Dr. G. And for the first time I had at least one follicle at 17mm. Progress at last! As usual, later in the afternoon the nurse called me on my cell phone to give my my dosage instructions. She told me to stay on the same doses (225 of Follistim, 75 of Menopur, and 5 of Lupron in the morning.)

But then, around 6pm on Sunday evening, Dr. G. called me. He said that he was excited to hear that the wanding had shown some progress and growth, but that he had been thinking about it all afternoon, and that he had decided that he wanted to take my dose of Follistim down a little for that night, to 150ius. He said that he wanted to continue seeing me every single day so that he could watch things very, very carefully. He said he wanted to get in at least 2 or 3 more days of stimulation, because he thought we could get a good number of mature ones if we proceed in a very controlled manner. Since my E2 had jumped from 192 to 436 over the weekend, he was concerned that we not let it skyrocket until we have more than just one or two mature follicles. Slow and steady wins the race, in this case.

So - I'm just soooo impressed with this guy. Obviously he's going to look like a prince compared to what I was dealing with before. But even bearing in mind my point of reference, I think he has an incredibly sensitive and caring bedside manner. I mean, the man probably got 50 charts dumped on his "desk" (perhaps he gets info virtually, i don't know?) after monitoring hours were over, and then he calls me at home to say that he's been thinking about my status all afternoon????? Come on, in this day and age, that is a little surprising, and very impressive, in my opinion.

I feel very blessed to have moved on to this practice, and to this doctor, in particular. I have much hope in my heart for this cycle. So much so that I drug out one of my pregnancy books last night, "Pregnancy Over 30, Everything You Need to Know". Ugh, what a guilty pleasure it was, reading through some of those chapters. I confined myself to the most innocuous parts - the How to Conceive chapters mainly....then I indulged myself in the first chapter after the "Congratulations, You're Pregnant" header, which was all about how to eat right. That seemed safe enough.

Of course I'm not going to jinx myself by pulling out "What to Expect When You Are Expecting". I'm not that stupid. I haven't read that one since November 2004, the month after R and I returned from our honeymoon, and I decided to "get serious" about trying to conceive. A small part of me was actually indignant that we didn't get pregnant on our honeymoon, 2 weeks after I went off the pill. (insert bitter, jaded laughter here)

So, in November '04, I went to the bookstore one Saturday and bought a ton of pregnancy books. I couldn't WAIT to read "What to Expect". I had seen that book given as a shower gift several times, and to me, it represented entrance into the world of expectant mothers, parenting, the 'Mommy Club', being a 'real' family, etc. I pored over the photos of the developing child in utero, I loved the play-by-play accounts of what the mother should be feeling and seeing and experiencing. I think I read the whole book in two nights, I was that entranced and excited.

I remember thinking that if we got pregnant in November, that despite the 'rule' about not announcing it to the world until the end of the first trimester (when all the danger miraculously disappears, right?), that I wanted to tell our families when we were all together at Christmas. I got all choked up thinking about it. I could hardly wait! Oh Lord, it seems like a totally different woman, who had all of those naive thoughts. It's like remembering how you felt about something when you were a teenager, and looking back on your teen aged self and thinking "oh, girl, if you only KNEW!"

These are the things that make me so sad about infertility. I feel like I'll never get back that pure and hopeful perspective on things. I hate that I feel so jaded and bitter. I hate that I've become so good at being pessimistic as a means of protecting myself. If you expect the worst, you'll always be pleasantly surprised, right?

A year ago I just accepted that with all we were going through, it was normal to feel depressed, normal to feel frustrated, normal to feel bitter and angry, etc. I assumed that once I was holding a baby in my arms, all of the negativity would recede, and I'd go back to being my normally happy and optimistic self.

Lately I've begun to worry that this struggle, once behind us, won't ever really fully recede. That this experience has permanently changed my personality. That even after I'm rocking my child to sleep at night, I'll still be snarky, angry, jealous, quick to judge, and more self-centered than I've ever been....

I'm already worried about this. But if this first IVF cycle, the only one that is somewhat subsidized by my insurance, fails? Oh boy. Look out world. An even MORE unpleasant version of me will be unleashed. I'm absolutely terrified that we'll end this summer just as not-pregnant as when we started, and I just don't know what that's going to do to me.

Wednesday, July 11, 2007

Quick report: 13th day of stims

This morning's ultrasound revealed very "plump" looking follicles which are starting to grow!! On Monday they were all under 10mm; today there were some at 11mm and some at 12mm!

I know that sounds like a paltry increase in size - but this represents real progress for me, people!! Last stim there were absolutely no signs of activity in there for 55 days!!

The office just called to tell me to up my dose of Follistim from 150ius to 225ius tonight (the highest dose I've ever taken), and to come back tomorrow morning. Dr. G isn't playing around!

I'm just happy to be making some progress, any progress. It helps me to maintain those ever elusive hopeful feelings......

Monday, July 9, 2007

Progress Report - Day 11 of stims - Updated!!!!

Actually, I'm really not sure whether this is a 'progress' report or a 'status quo' report??

So, according to the latest wanding session I have 14 follicles on my right ovary that are all under 10mm, and 16 follicles on my left ovary under 10mm. At my last two appointments Dr. G said that although they were all still small, they were showing signs of growing, and better still, that they were all growing at the same rate. Last week he said that although it was slow going with me, that so far this is exactly the response he would have hoped for.

My E2 (estrogen) levels had been rising pretty steadily, from 30-something, to 60-something, to 110-something on Thursday morning last week. But then, when I went in on Saturday over this past weekend, for some bizarre reason my E2 had dropped all the way back down to 30-something! Who knows why my broken body reacts the way it does, but it is just so frustrating.

So, over the weekend he upped my dose of Follistim from 112ius to 150ius. We kept the Menopur dose the same, at 37.5ius. I was hoping this would cause a commotion in there - because remember, on my last cycle, 200 was the dose at which things really got going.

But, ho-hum, this morning's wanding revealed that all my little follicles are still just that - little. All are still under 10mm. I saw Dr. B this morning instead of Dr. G, and Dr. B said not to get too discouraged, and that the blood work would be more revealing and more of a diagnostic tool than the wanding at this stage of the game. If my E2 comes back low again, she said they'd likely up the dose again. If not, I'll probably stick to the 150ius dose until the next wanding on Wednesday morning.

I'm so anxious to see some real activity! I'm soooooooo preoccupied with getting to the retrieval-transfer stage. In spite of my best efforts to remain numb, Hope has taken up residence in earnest. I have almost nightly dreams about babies - not that we're pregnant, but that we already have a baby that I'm feeding and carrying and rocking and kissing. Last night I even dreamed that we had twins! (In the dream, Pamela Andersen Lee was our nanny, and our neighbors called the police bc Tommy Lee kept showing up and shouting in our front yard, but I digress......)

Anyway, the point is that the possibility of success seems all too real to me - easily visualized. Even as horrifically dangerous as I know this is, this outlook is making me all the more anxious and full of nervous energy and ready for action!!!!

However, part of my bubble was definitely burst this morning in the RE's office. A woman came in as I was signing in at the receptionist's desk, and announced that she had come bearing gifts for the office. She brought forth a giant shopping bag, and as she hauled out sharp's containers, needles, syringes, leftover medication, etc., she told the nurses that she wanted to donate all of her unused items because she and her husband were "DONE."

She said, "...we've been at this for more than 3 years now, and as of today, we're either pregnant, or we're done. And I pee'ed on a stick last night and came up with squat, so I believe we're officially done." She went on to ask for a form to officially withdraw from shared risk.

When she sat down, I broke the cardinal rule of etiquette in RE waiting rooms across the nation(which dictates strict silence and lack of eye contact)and I said as empathetically as I could, "I hope the Goddamn stick was wrong!" She smiled and said, "Thanks, but after 3 years, seven thousand dollars worth of drugs for each cycle that our HMO won't cover, and the last 2 months of walking around looking like I'm already 2 months pregnant, I've just had it with this shit. I hope someone else can use my leftover drugs, and that they'll have a better outcome than we did."

What amazed me was how upbeat and straightforward she seemed to be about this resolute decision. I was thinking that were I in that position, I'd likely be overcome with the poor-me's, and would be swollen-faced and bleary-eyed, asking for tissues along with the shared risk withdrawal form.

For the rest of my wait, I had to battle the monster negative thoughts that came at me full force - "you seeee? there are no guarantees even with IVF! if it didn't work for her, why in blue blazes would you think it could possibly work for you? this first cycle is never going to work, never ever. and after that, even if you scrounge up the money to buy 6 chances in shared risk, none of THOSE are going to work either! that's going to be you 1 or 2 years from now, throwing up your hands, crying uncle, asking for your money back bc you'll be broke after paying for all of those drugs!!"

I think I've gotten those crappy thoughts back under control now, but caged as they are, they are still there, niggling at the back of my mind and threatening to overcome Hope's voice at any moment.

This afternoon's phone call with my E2 results could really help to banish those thoughts even further back, if my levels are indeed heading in the right direction......

UPDATE: E2 level is back up to 112! All doses to remain the same until I go back on Wednesday morning.....

Monday, July 2, 2007

God Bless Dr. G!

My estrogen came back low, so I started the stims on Friday. Yee-haaa!! Kind of like riding a bike, that nightly injection routine. I fell right back into my old rhythm and ritual like I hadn't ever stopped.

However, the other thing that started this weekend, in earnest, was the Lupron-induced headaches. Great googly moogly, the goddamn headaches! Speaking from the perspective of one who has suffered through probably 5 big migraine headaches in her life - truth be told, these little Lupron headaches are but a mere trifle by comparison. I mean, it's not like I must take to my bed or anything, BUT it is a miserable thing to have a persistent headache that just won't seem to go away. I was popping Advil like Pez candies all through the weekend, and in so doing, bought myself maybe an hour's worth of relief each time. And then, the blasted headache would come right back! Aaarrgh.

So, this morning I had my first wanding/monitoring session, and when Dr. G asked me how I was feeling, I was truthful. I told him that these Lupron headaches were cramping my style! The first thing he said was that I must stay away from Advil, Motrin, etc. Apparently ibuprofen could cause a "blood issue" when it comes time for retrieval. Not really sure what that means, but OK, he's the doctor, so I'll buy it.

Then he said that I really should be taking Tylenol instead. The nurse in the room sort of snorted when he said that, at which point Dr. G started laughing too, and admitted that Tylenol is really worthless for headache pain. He acknowledged that Tylenol did absolutely nothing for his own headache pain, and that he might as well swallow an M&M, as far as analgesic prowess was concerned.

Kind soul that he is, he offered to write me a prescription for Tylenol 3, should I so desire? I can't drive while taking that, or operate at full mental capacity for that matter - but at least, he reasoned, I could take a Tylenol 3 if a headache were to prevent me from sleeping. However, he continued on to say that actually, Tylenol 3 is hard on some folks stomach's, and in fact, why didn't he just go on and prescribe me some Vicodin? The fireworks on Wednesday would seem all the more effervescent after one of those babies! I, not being a complete FOOL, gladly accepted the scrip on my way out the door!

So, my presiding sentiment for today is one of thankfulness for the amazing bedside manner of my Dr. G. - a more caring and attentive doctor I haven't ever had the pleasure of meeting. It's interesting...the further I get into this experience at the new clinic, the more I notice the stark contrast between RE's. I would have had to grovel and beg at the previous clinic for any sort of sympathetic perspective, or even acknowledgment of discomfort - let alone a prescription! Please! The prevailing attitude at the previous clinic was kind of like - hey, you CHOSE to go through this treatment, and this is the reality of that treatment, so try not to be such a baby about it and suck it up.

Trying, trying not to think too far into the future as to the potential for success for this cycle. To allow myself to do so would invite emotional calamity, somehow. BUT, I have to say that Dr. G's manner is really causing me to have overall "good vibes" about our chances this time around. Plus, every time I talk to my Mom, she says she feels in her heart that this time will be 'it' for us. Oooohhhhh how I want to jump on that bandwagon with her!!

I report back on Thursday am for another wanding session. Until then, same dosage continues.....