Day 18 of Stims - Report

So, the follicles are growing, ever so slowly but surely! The largest one was up to 18mm this morning! Several others btw 17 and 14, and the rest are still under 12.

I was so impressed this weekend with Dr. G, I can't stop thinking/talking about it! So, on Sunday morning when I went in for monitoring, I only saw the nurse, not Dr. G. And for the first time I had at least one follicle at 17mm. Progress at last! As usual, later in the afternoon the nurse called me on my cell phone to give my my dosage instructions. She told me to stay on the same doses (225 of Follistim, 75 of Menopur, and 5 of Lupron in the morning.)

But then, around 6pm on Sunday evening, Dr. G. called me. He said that he was excited to hear that the wanding had shown some progress and growth, but that he had been thinking about it all afternoon, and that he had decided that he wanted to take my dose of Follistim down a little for that night, to 150ius. He said that he wanted to continue seeing me every single day so that he could watch things very, very carefully. He said he wanted to get in at least 2 or 3 more days of stimulation, because he thought we could get a good number of mature ones if we proceed in a very controlled manner. Since my E2 had jumped from 192 to 436 over the weekend, he was concerned that we not let it skyrocket until we have more than just one or two mature follicles. Slow and steady wins the race, in this case.

So - I'm just soooo impressed with this guy. Obviously he's going to look like a prince compared to what I was dealing with before. But even bearing in mind my point of reference, I think he has an incredibly sensitive and caring bedside manner. I mean, the man probably got 50 charts dumped on his "desk" (perhaps he gets info virtually, i don't know?) after monitoring hours were over, and then he calls me at home to say that he's been thinking about my status all afternoon????? Come on, in this day and age, that is a little surprising, and very impressive, in my opinion.

I feel very blessed to have moved on to this practice, and to this doctor, in particular. I have much hope in my heart for this cycle. So much so that I drug out one of my pregnancy books last night, "Pregnancy Over 30, Everything You Need to Know". Ugh, what a guilty pleasure it was, reading through some of those chapters. I confined myself to the most innocuous parts - the How to Conceive chapters mainly....then I indulged myself in the first chapter after the "Congratulations, You're Pregnant" header, which was all about how to eat right. That seemed safe enough.

Of course I'm not going to jinx myself by pulling out "What to Expect When You Are Expecting". I'm not that stupid. I haven't read that one since November 2004, the month after R and I returned from our honeymoon, and I decided to "get serious" about trying to conceive. A small part of me was actually indignant that we didn't get pregnant on our honeymoon, 2 weeks after I went off the pill. (insert bitter, jaded laughter here)

So, in November '04, I went to the bookstore one Saturday and bought a ton of pregnancy books. I couldn't WAIT to read "What to Expect". I had seen that book given as a shower gift several times, and to me, it represented entrance into the world of expectant mothers, parenting, the 'Mommy Club', being a 'real' family, etc. I pored over the photos of the developing child in utero, I loved the play-by-play accounts of what the mother should be feeling and seeing and experiencing. I think I read the whole book in two nights, I was that entranced and excited.

I remember thinking that if we got pregnant in November, that despite the 'rule' about not announcing it to the world until the end of the first trimester (when all the danger miraculously disappears, right?), that I wanted to tell our families when we were all together at Christmas. I got all choked up thinking about it. I could hardly wait! Oh Lord, it seems like a totally different woman, who had all of those naive thoughts. It's like remembering how you felt about something when you were a teenager, and looking back on your teen aged self and thinking "oh, girl, if you only KNEW!"


These are the things that make me so sad about infertility. I feel like I'll never get back that pure and hopeful perspective on things. I hate that I feel so jaded and bitter. I hate that I've become so good at being pessimistic as a means of protecting myself. If you expect the worst, you'll always be pleasantly surprised, right?

A year ago I just accepted that with all we were going through, it was normal to feel depressed, normal to feel frustrated, normal to feel bitter and angry, etc. I assumed that once I was holding a baby in my arms, all of the negativity would recede, and I'd go back to being my normally happy and optimistic self.

Lately I've begun to worry that this struggle, once behind us, won't ever really fully recede. That this experience has permanently changed my personality. That even after I'm rocking my child to sleep at night, I'll still be snarky, angry, jealous, quick to judge, and more self-centered than I've ever been....

I'm already worried about this. But if this first IVF cycle, the only one that is somewhat subsidized by my insurance, fails? Oh boy. Look out world. An even MORE unpleasant version of me will be unleashed. I'm absolutely terrified that we'll end this summer just as not-pregnant as when we started, and I just don't know what that's going to do to me.