Pissed off to pitiful in 6 hours

9dp3dt

No more spotting since that one little incident on Monday. However, every day when I test, and see that white blank spot staring back at me where a second line should be, it makes me more and more....angry. Good and goddamn well pissed off, is how I felt at 4:30am today when I woke up - having been dreaming as usual of being pregnant - and peed on a stick. Nothing, nada, zilch.


I climbed back into bed, and laid awake until R got up around 6am, feeling progressively more and more full of RAGE. It really scared me, how strongly that emotion washed over me. I was absolutely completely and totally sure that this has all been a giant waste of time, money, and emotions. And why? WHY??!!! Why couldn't this work out for us? IVF works the first time for lots and lots of people. Why not us, goddamn it?


I wanted to throw something against the wall and watch it smash into bits. I wanted to jump out of bed and have a screaming wailing fist-beating tantrum. I wanted hit something, someone, inflict some pain, make something or someone else hurt like I hurt inside all the time. I felt like I was going to fly into bits. I laid there with my heart pounding and pounding and with the blood ringing in my ears and I thought - what will happen to me when I get the final news after Tuesday's beta that this didn't work? And I was terrified.


And now, 6 hours later, I've talked myself down from the ledge, yet again. I've convinced myself that I still have a chance. That 9dp3dt could still be considered a little early for a positive HPT. That some people don't get positive HPTs at ALL, ever, and the blood test still comes back positive. (although the beastly voice in the back of my head says that this is the stuff of false hope and urban infertility legend, and not to believe it, because my blood test is a full 15 days past the 3 day transfer, which equals 18 days past ovulation, and there's only an infinitesimal chance that one wouldn't have HCG showing up in one's urine after all THAT time.) That I should hang onto hope, that there's no reason to think negatively, and that there's every reason to believe it worked, and that we have fallen on the joyous side of the 50% success rate that Dr. G quoted me.


And so, the rage having run it's full course this morning, now I'm feeling plaintive and desperate and pitiful:


Please stay, little embryos, little maybe babies. We love you so much already. You are already here, so just please stay.

We're in awe and spellbound over you already, and we'll be more so with every sonogram, every milestone.

We'll cry in joy and wonder at your birth, your birthdays, your graduations, your accomplishments.

We promise we'll give you our whole hearts, and everything you could ever want or need to the best of our every ability.

We have a room in our house for you already, it's here and waiting for you. We have a giant crazy wonderful extended family who's waiting to love you, too. And a dog who will lick your face and make you laugh. Grandparents who will dote on you and shower you with so much love you won't believe it.

We're all waiting for you, and we have been for so long.

We want you so much. We love you, already. Please, please, please - stay.