Wednesday, August 1, 2007

Pissed off to pitiful in 6 hours

9dp3dt

No more spotting since that one little incident on Monday. However, every day when I test, and see that white blank spot staring back at me where a second line should be, it makes me more and more....angry. Good and goddamn well pissed off, is how I felt at 4:30am today when I woke up - having been dreaming as usual of being pregnant - and peed on a stick. Nothing, nada, zilch.


I climbed back into bed, and laid awake until R got up around 6am, feeling progressively more and more full of RAGE. It really scared me, how strongly that emotion washed over me. I was absolutely completely and totally sure that this has all been a giant waste of time, money, and emotions. And why? WHY??!!! Why couldn't this work out for us? IVF works the first time for lots and lots of people. Why not us, goddamn it?


I wanted to throw something against the wall and watch it smash into bits. I wanted to jump out of bed and have a screaming wailing fist-beating tantrum. I wanted hit something, someone, inflict some pain, make something or someone else hurt like I hurt inside all the time. I felt like I was going to fly into bits. I laid there with my heart pounding and pounding and with the blood ringing in my ears and I thought - what will happen to me when I get the final news after Tuesday's beta that this didn't work? And I was terrified.


And now, 6 hours later, I've talked myself down from the ledge, yet again. I've convinced myself that I still have a chance. That 9dp3dt could still be considered a little early for a positive HPT. That some people don't get positive HPTs at ALL, ever, and the blood test still comes back positive. (although the beastly voice in the back of my head says that this is the stuff of false hope and urban infertility legend, and not to believe it, because my blood test is a full 15 days past the 3 day transfer, which equals 18 days past ovulation, and there's only an infinitesimal chance that one wouldn't have HCG showing up in one's urine after all THAT time.) That I should hang onto hope, that there's no reason to think negatively, and that there's every reason to believe it worked, and that we have fallen on the joyous side of the 50% success rate that Dr. G quoted me.


And so, the rage having run it's full course this morning, now I'm feeling plaintive and desperate and pitiful:


Please stay, little embryos, little maybe babies. We love you so much already. You are already here, so just please stay.

We're in awe and spellbound over you already, and we'll be more so with every sonogram, every milestone.

We'll cry in joy and wonder at your birth, your birthdays, your graduations, your accomplishments.

We promise we'll give you our whole hearts, and everything you could ever want or need to the best of our every ability.

We have a room in our house for you already, it's here and waiting for you. We have a giant crazy wonderful extended family who's waiting to love you, too. And a dog who will lick your face and make you laugh. Grandparents who will dote on you and shower you with so much love you won't believe it.

We're all waiting for you, and we have been for so long.

We want you so much. We love you, already. Please, please, please - stay.

14 comments:

jeanie said...

It's good to get this all out and onto the paper, screen, whatever. Everything you are feeling is normal for someone in your situation, which of course does not make it one bit easier to be in the middle of feeling it all. Can we be hopeful, yet prepared for the worst? It seems like that's what you are trying to work out. I hope you find a solution. In the meantime, I am hoping with you.

Samantha said...

Tuesday is still a ways away. I'm sorry this is so rough. Some assvice here: maybe, given how strongly you feel, you should stay away from the pee sticks, at least until Monday. I personally think it's likely on the early side, and it sounds like the negative tests are really getting you down, more so than not knowing.

I do hope your embies stick around!

Egged Out said...

It's still early yet!

CAM said...

The emotions of this whole thing can drive you mad. It was great to get all your rage out in your post. Two things you said were so familiar - the urge to smash something against the wall and the ringing in your ears! Its all so frustrating. But, I agree with "egged out" it is still early!
:)

Anonymous said...

I agree with Samantha- throw those sticks away if you can! I know its hard though; we all want the instant gratification of knowing right away! Anyways, I'm hoping so hard that its all good news in the end for you K. I hope you are able to rest easy tonight :)

Heather said...

I'm glad you have a place to vent. And I agree it's still early, so hang in there. I'm keeping my fingers crossed for you.

Ann said...

It's not urban legend--I tested at 12dpo and got a BFN, yet I was pg. Hang in there.

Jen said...

Hang in there! You too embies! Thinking and hoping for you!

Mony said...

Oh God! Hang in there! It is possibly the most emotional & anxiety ridden time ever. I sincerely hope you get your positive Beta.

In Search of Morning Sickness said...

I too am hoping for a positive beta... there is still time!!

Kellie with an "ie" said...

As obsessively as you are peeing on sticks, I am checking your blog - five, ten, fifteen times a day - hoping beyond hope for good news. Thinking of you, K!

Baby Blues said...

K you got me tearing up. These emotions are so familiar. I'm praying for you.

Changing Expectations said...

K, I am thinking about you. We are cycling together and will get our results on the same day. I am so hoping that you get a BFP. I know that this is so hard - hang in there.

megan said...

hang in there, little embies, hang in there! hoping you are just way too early and that you get good news next week.