Now what?

R and I have been going around and around the mulberry bush, as they say, on what action to take next in trying to start our family. After many days of soul searching and lots of knock-down, drag-out tearful conversations, I think we have finally have a mutually agreeable plan, at least for the very near future.

The crux of our difference in perspectives is this: R is tired of watching his wife go through endless days and nights of shots and doctor's visits and emotional highs and lows. He is worried about the emotional (and physical) toll that 6 future cycles of IVF (if we sign up for Shared Risk) might have on my emotional well-being, on my very personality. He's ready for us to be parents, now. He is interested in pursuing something that offers certainty and security in terms of an outcome. He is frustrated by the unpredictability of IVF. When considering the prospect of spending over $20 thousand dollars, I think he feels much better about signing up for something that has a 100% chance of putting a baby in our arms at the end of it.

I, on the other hand, am clinging desperately to the idea of having another chance at a biological child, and pursuing that opportunity as quickly as possible. It's the only thought that keeps me from being well and truly 'depressed', as a matter of fact. I'm just not ready to let that dream go. I feel really desperate and out of control; I'm not sure how to change or channel these feelings.

Our endless and frustratingly circular conversations over the last week stemmed from the fact that I'm scared out of my wits that we are heading down a path that will breed resentment in the future. If R feels we should abandon treatment and pursue adoption, and I go along with that, will I wake up 10 years from now resenting that I didn't "try harder" or insist on further opportunities to try for a biological child? If I want to sink a huge amount of our money and our time into 6 further IVF cycles, to the tune of $22K, will R resent me when monthly financial decisions are impacted as a result of this expenditure? Or, if all 6 cycles fail, and the money has been refunded to us, will R resent the fact that we've then "wasted" potentially 18 - 24 months and we're at the starting gate to adoption at ages 39 and 41, respectively?

Bless R, for he is unbelievably supportive and open minded and kept reiterating that in spite of his opinion about being ready to move on to adoption, he respects the fact that it's my body, and will support whatever I want to do next - more treatment or otherwise. Ack! Why didn't I rejoice in this response? Because I want to come up with a plan that makes both of us happy and leaves no room for questioning or second-guessing or resentment at any point in the future. And that is IMPOSSIBLE. There is NO GOOD ANSWER to this dilemma.

From a financial standpoint, we've decided that we simply cannot afford to shell out the full amount required for Shared Risk right now. In the spring when we both receive our annual work bonuses, we could conceivably fund a $20K payment - either for a Shared Risk IVF treatment plan, or for adoption. But not until then.

However, we have almost $4,000 worth of insurance coverage left. If we did one more cycle in the pay-as-you-go format, after adding in all the "extra" treatment options Dr. G recommended (ICSI, Assisted Hatching, etc.) we'd need to come up with about $7K (not including the drugs, of course.)

I almost come out of my skin contemplating the idea of waiting for almost 9 months to try again. 9 months is a lot of time to "waste" when you are trying to get pregnant, especially when you are about to turn 37.

Ultimately we've decided to come up with $7K and try again as soon as we get back from our beach vacation. I'm on BCPs now, so if all goes as planned, I'll likely be starting stims around the middle of September.

I don't know what we'll do if this cycle fails. Wait until spring to try to find $22K (in addition to the $7K we just blew)? Abandon treatment and begin pursuing adoption? I don't know. But I've accepted that I can't make decisions right now based on what may or may not happen in the future. We can only make one decision at a time, based on the current situation and circumstances. At this moment, doing another pay-as-we-go cycle seems like the next right step. Maybe I will second guess this decision. Maybe not.

I'm scared to death that it won't work, again. I'm terrified to think that this could be our last attempt at a biological child. Right now I'm trying very hard to "relax" (yeah right), and am hoping to enjoy our vacation in a few weeks.