So, I got this big package of information in the mail over the weekend from the new clinic: A Guide to IVF. A booklet to track the timing and details of your treatment. A giant checklist of all the things we have to accomplish BEFORE we can start the cycle: Blood work for me, blood work for R. Genetic screening bloodwork for me. Fax results of annual gyn exam and pap smear. Fax results of R's semen analysis from previous clinic. Fill prescription for Provera, BCPs, and prescription pre-natals. Schedule mock embryo transfer, schedule injection class (injection class? puulease, I feel like I could TEACH the damn class.) Etc., etc., etc.
As I'm going through all this rigamarole, every now and then I catch myself thinking: Holy shit. We're doing IVF?
For some reason it still hasn't really sunk in yet! Everytime I think of it, I think - My God, this could actually work. The first IVF cycle actually DOES work for some people. It really, really does. I could actually be pregnant by the end of the summer. (Shout outs to Faith and Watson!)
This is very quickly followed by harrowing thoughts of how devastating it will be if it doesn't work. There's so much pressure riding on this, because we're paying fee-for-service for this cycle. At the end of it, we'll have used up all of our remaining insurance benefits, and burned through all of our "extra" money for all the drugs. If it doesn't work, we'll be faced with some big financial decisions - how to come up with $20K for the shared risk fee, plus drug money for each and every cycle. Take out a loan? Borrow against the house? Stage a bank heist? Ugh.
I've never been much of a new age-y sort of gal, but I'm thinking I'll need to take up some sort of relaxation activity to ease this stress. I can practically hyperventilate right now if I let myself think about how important it is for this cycle to work. And I haven't even started blasting hormones into my system yet! Can you imagine what a wreck I'll be in a month or so???
If I had the money, I'd definitely do acupuncture. If I were more flexible, I'd take up yoga. If I were Watson's mother, I'd inhabit a pod...ahem, excuse me, Life Vessel. If I had more control over my brain, it would be enough just to get on the treadmill. (Unlike most people who zone out while exercising, I tend to sharpen my focus on all the things about my body that I hate, including my reproductive inadequacies.)
Too bad I can't just resolve to drink more alcohol. That would be a lot more fun than acupuncture needles.
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8 comments:
Yes, I agree--the thought of IVF is scary. However, with all the injectables hell you've had to go through, you're more than halfway there, in my opinion!
I got to skip the injection class because I converted mid-cycle but maybe it would have been helpful for the IM shots, those I wasn't so familiar with. I remember thinking with my first cycle on injectibles I was so relieved that I got through the IM HCG shot, and that there was just one, and it was over. Then when I converted to IVF and got my package of PIO with needles, I thought, every night? Will I make it? But I did.
I know what you mean about the stakes getting higher, but it can and does work for some folks on the first try!
I don't know how I would handle an IVF BFN. It scares me because this could push me over the edge. It's a big investment too. But we'll get through this, we always do...
The pressure is incredible. Taking up a relaxing activity is a great idea. I am not very flexible either but yoga has been a huge help. Shop around for a great teacher, though, because that is key. Yin-style yoga is great in that you hold postures in order to get deep stretches, so you don't even have to be flexible.
Good luck and I am here to listen if you need me!
Oh my goodness! I mean, I'm SO glad you got all the package info and they'll do some extra things like genetic screening (better to find out BEFORE IVF, you know?).
I pray, I really really pray THIS will be your cycle. That you'll get you baby and enjoy 9 months of being P. I pray with all those eggs (if you want) you'll even have enough embryos to save for future little ones, should you want that.
I can't remember reading someone else's blog and wanting them to be pregnant more. Of course, I'd not yet come across someone who stimmed for 60some odd days AND got horrible OHSS and still got the BFN. So please know I'm really rooting for you and I'll be checking in often.
Alcohol would be more fun than the accupuncture, for sure. But it may not help the embryos as much, eh?
Yes- I remember all of those feelings. I was sure we'd need several cycles and it still wouldn't work (miss negative here) while my husband was sure as always that we would end up pregnant. He said that through all 8 IUI's and I wanted to hit him over the head w/ a shovel at times ;-)
One thing is for sure. Your odds are better w/ IVF over anything else. You have a very good chance at being pregnant at the end of the summer :-) and if not you will do it again and by then you'll be a pro at all you have to do. Thank goodness you have insurance money to cover the first one. You may end up pregnant w/ no debt!
Also- I was able to do acupuncture by finding one that took insurance. Many don't but some do and I went quite a bit prior to and during my cycle. It would also be nice if you husband gave you mini massages to help you relax. Even a foot or head massage (whatever you like). It's free and it's something he can do to help you cope better.
Wishing you a smooth cycle w/ a BFP at the end.
Much love- Faith
I am so unbelievably excited for you! I know it's scary, but you've got a great doctor that actually LISTENS to you, you have a plan, you have insurance to cover this attempt, and you're on your way. I will be cheering my heart out for you.
Too bad we ALL can't visit the Life Pod for some stress relief!
I probably sound like a broken record, but I loved the guided visualizations they sell on line at Anji.
(http://www.anjionline.com)
I think the store is temporarily down, but I bought an IVF CD that has different tracks corresponding to where you are in the cycle: you start with shots and it goes through retrieval, transfer and then the 2ww. It really helped me!
And I had the same sense of...disbelief? Ambivalence? when we started the IVF cycle, I think that's totally normal.
And we're here to support you if that's your next step!
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