I know I'm a broken record, but I s-t-i-l-l can't really believe we're doing IVF. I keep waiting for the other shoe to drop. Every time the clinic calls, I expect them to say, "Yes, K, well there was this mix-up, see? And you can't really do IVF. NO, no, heavens no - what were you thinking? Certainly not...
So, I'm to stay on the BCPs for 3 weeks, and on 6/19 I go for the Mock Embryo Transfer. I know that's like, a really necessary thing, and all? But, I swear - something about the name of that procedure just totally cracks me up every time. I imagine all these high school kids dressed up like doctors with fake mustaches and glasses that are too big for them standing in their drama club room reading from scripts with fake grown up accents or something. "Ahem, ahem....yes Nurse, um Jones? Could you hand me the um, speculatum? Ahem, ahem, I mean the uh, um speck-you-lum?..." Sheeew - see, I've gone and cracked myself up again!!
The nurse said she had to check with Dr. G as to what doses of all the various drugs I'll be on for this cycle. That's one of the (many) things that I'm worried about actually. When I had my consult, I asked him how high a dose of Follistim/Menopur he would be willing to start me on? After 60 endless days of shots last time around, I only began to respond when I had reached about 200ius of Follistim and 75ius of Menopur. He responded that he wouldn't make me start out anywhere near as low as I did previously, but neither would he recommend starting me right off the bat at those highest doses. He said that he wanted to confer with the other doctors in the practice and get their opinions on it, before stating the actual doses he recommends. So, I'm worried they'll all convince him to be as conservative as Dr. D, and I'll be right back to the drip-drip-drip torture I had before.
It's really not so much that I mind taking subQ shots for a long period of time - I'm not even really bothered by that. As I've said before, there's something comforting, in a deeply twisted way, about the habit-forming nature of those solitary shoot-up sessions in the bathroom every night. And frankly, at this point, I wouldn't bat an eyelash if they told me I'd have to take a thousand shots in this cycle. Whatever it takes, however many shots, however many days - bring it on.
What makes me more anxious than the thought of shooting the drugs....is the thought of having to pay for all the drugs. Especially if this drags out again. I think in my last IUI cycle, I had to reorder boxes of medication about 7 times. The thought of forking over all that money chills my heart.
And speaking of ordering drugs, my clinic steers patients with no drug coverage to order from Schraft's Pharmacy, citing that they are easiest to deal with, have free FedEx shipping, and have the most reasonable prices. I've ordered from them in the past, back when I still had drug coverage, and was always very pleased with them. But - you used to be able to go to their website and see all of their prices listed - this was extremely helpful if you wanted to shop around and make SURE that they had the best price for a certain drug. I went to their site yesterday, and discovered that they've apparently been swallowed whole by the mega-pharmacy Walgreen's. I hate to be cynical, but I'd be willing to bet any amount of money (the cost of this cycle, heh heh) that all the things I loved about little Schraft's, your friendly neighborhood infertility drug source, are about to get sucked down the tubes. Goodbye excellent customer service, goodbye reasonable and competitive prices, goodbye focusing on the actual person using the drugs, goodbye free shipping, goodbye convenience of having all the info you really need at your fingertips on their website....
I sincerely hope that I'm pleasantly surprised in this regard. However, what I experienced when I tried to go to their website is a very bad sign. The old Schraft's website has disappeared. The only info you can glean from the site now is several vague pages about Walgreen's and how they really care about their customers and that's why they have this specialty pharmacy for infertility drugs. No pricing, no logistics about shipping, no names of any of the doctors or pharmacists on staff there, no detailed information on the drugs themselves - just an endless loop of pages that all lead back to one nameless, faceless, generic Walgreens 1-800 number. Ugh.
Yes, I do realize it's ridiculous to get worked up over such a seemingly small detail in the grand scheme of all things infertility. But, you know, I already feel like I'm constantly frittering away hour after hour on the phone every day with nurses, administrators, insurance reps, drug coverage insurance reps, labs, former doctors, blah, blah, BLAH trying to cut through endless swaths of red tape. This is just one more thing to have to DEAL with, if you know what I mean. Oh, the bureaucracy! It makes me feel defeated, just thinking about it.
Sigh. I've really GOT to learn how to handle stress more efficiently. Watson graciously recommended anjionline.com for fertility-oriented meditation techniques. I took her advice to heart, and signed up for some sample fertility meditation downloads. And, I TRIED, people. Honest to GOD, I really, really tried to pay attention, and focus, and quiet my thoughts and feel calm and collected and send healing energy towards my girly bits......But, I felt like an idiot! I had fifty FRILLION thoughts buzzing through my head the whole time: about work that day, about whether the sound I just heard was the dog licking his paw again, which I've TOLD him not to do anymore, about what I was going to wear for my meeting with Ms. Senior VP at work the next day, about how many minutes earlier I was going to have to get up the next day in order to make it to the gas station because I forgot to do so on the way home........I just simply could NOT make them stop. For every healing thought I had, 25 more came whizz-banging through my head at the speed of light. I just don't think I'm cut out for meditation?? Maybe if I took a valium first? But, then I wouldn't need to meditate to relax...
10 comments:
IVF! It does seem surreal to be doing any treatments at all doesn't it!
Best of luck :)
Wow, your really getting there now! In regards to your concerns about the endless stim, I really don't think your current doctor would do that to you. Most doctors would have either upped the dose or ended the cycle to try again. I really think that was pretty unusual how your last RE handled it.
Also, I too use Schraft's for my drugs. I think they've been under Walgreen's since I started using them nearly a year and half ago. I can't say I've used their website, but their phone service and response time has continued to be excellent. So maybe you'll have nothing to worry about there!
there's always SOMETHING isn't there? Hopefully the pharmacy will still be easy and pleasant to deal with even though they have been eaten by a giant. i don't think it's ridiculous to get "worked up" over such a thing. there are so many "things" to deal with that it can be really upsetting when one thing that you thought you already knew all about is suddenly different! best of luck to you with this cycle.
Meditation is near-impossible. But a great teacher will tell you that it is a process, a journey. Don't expect to suddenly get there overnight. Unfortunately, that makes it like IF in a way, which sucks!!
The only (and I mean ONLY) thing that slows down my frantic mind is yoga. Not the power, move as fast as you can type taught in gyms, but the slower types (like slow flo/yin) taught by great teachers in relaxing studios (without dogs lapping their paws.) Yoga classes are often pretty cheap, too, which helps. 90 minutes for $15 is a bargain, I think. And you don't have to be a master when you walk in the door. I was a novice when I started and now I couldn't live without it.
I agree with your frustration with Walgreen's. I am sick and tired of small stores being turned into satellites for huge, informal companies.
Good luck with this cycle! I am crossing my fingers for great news!
You are really getting there now!
I wish you the best of luck.
Oh my goodness, here you go! Didn't ever think you'd be excited to see a period, huh? I think I get to start mine in July. Even though I HATE the thought, it's all part of the Master Plan, right?
I understand your "are we REALLY doing IVF?" I know I'll fell that way too. I think you and I both got here faster than we thought/expected, but it's good!
I'm sorry you have reason for being worried about HOW LONG you'll be on shots. This doctor sounds so much better than the other one, I can't see him not being much more aqgressive in increasing your protocol or changing it. I'm curious how often you'll be monitored. I'm excited for you!!!!
Once you do your mock embryo transfer, could you write a post on that? I, too, have no idea what that means.
I'm excited for you and the upcoming IVF cycle!
But I know what you mean, I totally went through a 'denial' stage where I just could not believe it had come to THIS! I kept having those thoughts even at the beginning of shots, which eventually brought the point home that, YES, it obviously had come to this!
(I'm so sorry the Anji stuff didn't work!! I know it's not right for everyone but I wished it had worked better for you -- hope you didn't feel like it was a total waste of $$!!)
I sure can't blame you for not being able to reelieve the stress... And it is certainly nowhere near rediculous of you!!!
It certainly sounds like you are going in for the IVF, girl! And I am wishing you so much luck.
The stress is the worst part. Now that I am on an off-cycle, I can't believe how well I am sleeping. I sleep straight through the night. For the past few months when I was on meds for IUIs, I had trouble sleeping and trouble staying asleep. I resorted to swimming every day to make myself feel tired and listening to the news on my ipdo to make myself fall asleep. If I could take the stress out of the picture, I would probably have better results. Good luck on your stress reduction.
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