Sunday, June 22, 2008

Has it really been 4 months?

Wow, it's been quite a while since I felt I had anything to say on this blog that would be worth anyone's time to read about.

I guess the bad news is that nothing much has changed. IVF is still our only hope, and we still can't seem to commit to a plan for how to fund another try. I still feel like our time is running out. R turned 39 this month, which means I'm not very far from 38 now. Not the end of the world of course, doesn't mean pregnancy is impossible, but certainly doesn't do anything to improve our odds, either.

I suppose the good news is that I'm not as despondent about infertility on a daily basis as I have been in the past. I think that is because the longer we are stalled, the longer I allow myself to be apathetic about it, the easier it gets to....not do anything. I'd be lying if I said I was looking forward to being embroiled in a treatment cycle again, taking the injections, conforming our daily lives around the cycle, opening my heart up to hope again, bracing for the inevitable crash....I'm really dreading having to go through that all over again, actually. But still, if a big pile of money fell out of the sky tomorrow, I'd haul it straight to the RE's office and plunk it down, sign up for another chance.

We entertained R's family this afternoon and evening....had our usual Sunday afternoon cookout, as we do most Sundays in the summer. Today there were 15 adults, 7 children, and 2 dogs running around in our little house. It was a madhouse, of course, but we loved it. At the end of the evening, R's cousin asked if her 3 kids could take a quick bath before they left. They had to drive at least 45 minutes to get home, and she knew all 3 would be conked out in the car and difficult to harangue into the bathtub once they got home.

The sight of those 3 precious and precocious little ones in my bathtub pulled at me in a way that seeing them run around all day had not. As I helped to dry them off and muscle them into their 3 sets of clean and color coordinated PJ's, my main thought, of course, is that I should have been bathing my own children in our bathtub, not someone else's. I should have been putting PJ's on kids in a room decorated with zoo animals and ABC's, not in the room that serves as our "extra den" instead.

But remarkably, bitterness and self pity did not overtake me tonight, as they so often have in similar situations in the past. I feel a sense of hope about it all....although I can't say I know exactly why. Maybe because after all this time I still believe in miracles. Because I think R and I are good people, and because I still believe that good things do happen to good people. For tonight, that's enough reason to keep hoping.

10 comments:

In Search of Morning Sickness said...

You know, it's not such a bad thing for IF to be on the back burner for a while. It can make life such a drag and so miserable. I do hope IVF is in your future (soon?) but I also wish you peace and hope in your daily life with your beloved husband.

Glad to see you updating again. I've been waiting just to see a hello here.

beagle said...

I'm glad you wrote this. I hope you are right about miracles. There's still quite a few of us hoping for one . . . thinking of you . . .

Samantha said...

It's good to hear from you! I'm glad that you are feeling relatively at peace with your situation, even while I also hope that IVF will be in your future soon. Miracles can happen...

Heather said...

I believe in miracles too. Wishing you lots of luck and hope in getting your miracles.

Amber said...

My heart hurts a bit too hearing about three little ones lined up in a tub. I am from a big family and that is they way we always did it. That's the way I thought I'd do it. My tub isn't entirely empty (I have one hard- won little girl)but I know what I'm missing and it hurts.

IVF offers so much more hope than just sitting around not doing anything. But yes...that crash can really hurt. That and the cash.

scharlet said...

Is that all you need, one good egg?
I have been looking into donating one of my eggs, and who better to donate to than to someone who needs it.
Email me at klingbeilirena@hotmail.com

HeidiM said...

I'm on bed rest today and on a mission to visit blogs of all the people on Stirrup Queen's "Over 35" list.

I'm about your same age, and took a long break myself between IVFs 2 & 3 so I know how tempting it is to stay away from all the hassles. When you're ready to get back into it, I wish you all the best.

jeanie said...

I'm so glad you're back! I've been thinking about you and hoping you're doing ok. I know it's hard to have to wait on all of this...wish things were different. I too am still hoping for you and will keep checking back no matter how long between posts.

Kellie said...

Just a quick note to let you know that I'm thinking of you!

Alicia said...

I'm a Traditional Surrogate hoping to find a couple to help in the next year. If you would consider using a TS please email me at aliciawitt@digis.net
My thoughts are with you.