Wednesday, April 29, 2009


Strange to be back here again, yet, here I am. Thought I might as well start logging my thoughts on infertility again, as I've finally taken some action today, after a very long hiatus. I went back my beloved RE this morning, for the first time in almost 2 years.

It was a surreal experience, sitting in front of him and listening to him recite my 5 history from notes on his computer screen, "Clomid in 2004 and 2005 with no response....protracted IUI cycle in 2006 resulting in an egg reduction procedure and mild ovarian hyperstimulation....IVF cycle in 2007, 14 eggs retrieved, all mature, all 14 fertilized, half of them abnormally. unsuccessful. recommended another round of IVF with addition of ICSI and assisted hatching..."

I sat across from the good doctor feeling somewhat accomplished. I'm 80 pounds lighter than last I saw him. I told him that for the first time in my life I had been having "regular" (40-ish day long) periods. I told him I had been waiting for a miracle. He smiled and said that response was common, human nature, understandable.

I told him I had said the same thing to my ob-gyn 2 months ago, who promptly responded, "You are 38. You don't have time to wait for miracles. Go back to your RE as soon as possible. Make an appointment today."

It took me two months to work up the nerve to jump back into this. In large part, I'm absolutely dreading it. A smaller part of me is starting to feel hopeful again, after only one consultation. I think that is very, very dangerous. Dangerous, but inevitable.

In the almost 2 years that have elapsed since we were officially "in treatment", my personality has changed. For the better, in my opinion. Granted, I may have been in denial during that time. But, it was a far more pleasant existence, being off of the roller coaster. I was able to set all of the constant plaguing daily heartache aside for a while. As I've said before, infertility is a problem that never goes away and has no good solution, no matter how often you analyze it, no matter how many different ways you look at it and turn it around in your mind. It's exhausting to have it top of mind every day. I don't miss walking around with my emotions and vulnerability so very close to the surface. I don't miss bursting into tears for no reason whatsoever. I don't miss feeling pitiful and pathetic and like a failure every day. I am so very fearful of going back to that place, and being that person again.

For practical reasons, I'm also dreading the logistics of getting back into a treatment cycle. I'm working longer hours and have a much more demanding schedule than I have since we began "trying" all those years ago, and I can't quite imagine how this is going to work this time around. The idea of telling my colleagues that I can't schedule any meetings before 10am is laughable.

But, we had some heart to heart talks, my wonderful hubs and me, and decided that there will never be a good or favorable time for getting back into this - not financially, nor physically, nor mentally. We must make it a priority whether we like it or not, because the statistics are stacked against us. No spring chickens, we two.

So. Here I am again. Preparing for another ride on the roller coaster...


Keeping The Faith said...

Good to hear from you. Must be very unsettling and very exciting at the same time to re-enter the land of IF. I hope you continue to blog and find support and words of encouragement here. I'm sorry you didn't end up w/ a natural miracle. I think we all hope that we can be that "one".

Many congrats on losing 80lbs. That's awesome. You go girl!


jeanie said...

Losing 80 pounds requires some amazing personal strength. This just isn't easy, but if anyone will find strategies to get through it, I think you will. Hope blogging helps-- know that I am hoping for you.

Phoebe said...

I totally understand the trepidation that comes with staring down another IVF cycle. Congrats on losing 80 pounds, amazing!

beagle said...

I'll be here to cheer you on.
And way to go . . . 80 pounds is an amazing feat if you ask me (who has not managed to make the scale budge even 10 in the right direction). I am proud of you!

Blondie said...

Congratulations on the weight loss! My husband and I just had our first failed Femara/Follistim cycle and now have to take 2-3 months off, so I'm hoping to make good use of my time by exercising and cooking more! We'll see how that goes.

Thanks for your blog, it's SO nice to find other people that understand what I'm going through!