I confess that I have been avoiding this blog. And I have also been avoiding all of your blogs. I know, selfish, right? I can't help it. The IF blogosphere has really depressed me since the New Year.
We don't really have any concrete plans set in place in terms of 'trying' in the near future. My body has refused to cooperate with our desire to start a family for almost 3 and a half years now. Because of the PCOS, I don't ovulate, so there's no chance for us to turn up miraculously pregnant while trying on our own. For what it's worth however, I refuse to remain on birth control pills while in limbo. Instead, every 2 or so months I call my RE's office to get a prescription for progesterone to induce a period. For the privelege of this endometrial-cancer staver-offer I must submit to a pointless pregnancy test administered in the RE's office.
I went for one at the end of January. It was very, very strange. I felt like I didn't belong there, like everyone could see that I wasn't really trying and why was I wasting the time of the staff there. Just months before I had felt like that waiting area was my second home. I knew all the nurses by name. I felt productive and dedicated and hopeful when I was climbing in and out of the stirrups 4 and 5 times a week. When I went in January I felt like a fraud and an outsider. It was weird to feel so far removed from that whole 'sisterhood of cycling' thing.
I guess I was also feeling that way about this blogging community. I can't read the blogs of those who are pregnant. I know I don't have to justify that to anyone, even though it does feel really shitty to admit it right out loud. And for every happy preggy blogger, there seem to be as many heartwrenching losses in our community of late as well. Reading about the horrific pain that so many are in, particularly Mary Ellen and Steve after losing their triplets - it just makes me nauseous and sick. And in this limbo-land, reading all the other blogs of those who are back up in the saddle (and stirrups) and are earnestly, hopefully, dutifully trying again - those just make me feel like a lazy loser.
The fact is that our only, only, onliest hope is IVF. And we simply cannot afford it right now. Who knows when we will be able to do so? There's a potential recession coming. We've had unforeseen expenses over the last 6 months, smaller bonuses and tax returns than we were expecting, and the housing market continues to decline. So, I honestly don't know when the next opportunity might be for R's sperm to meet one of my eggs. Possibly not until next year, by which time R will be 39 and I will be 38. Lately I've allowed myself to think about the fact that it might just be too late for us. I have prayed and railed and asked God - are we not meant to be parents? I still have no answers of course.
I'm just trying to take things day by day. As of tonight, I'm caught up on all of your blogs, and although I probably won't be commenting as much as I have in the past, please know that I'm back and keeping up with all of you again.
For my own sanity, I'm going to try to post my thoughts more often here, and not just when I'm feeling particularly sad. I promise to blog some joyful things every once in a while, as I have SO many things to be thankful for. As melancholy as this post has come out - there is still much joy in my life. I'm trying very hard to concentrate on it!
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12 comments:
Nobody thinks you're a loser or lazy. It's sad and unfair that your options are limited by what you can afford, but I hope that you can find some peace in your limbo-land.
I've been checking on you almost daily...wish things were better for you right now. Maybe there is something very small I can do to help. I don't know how to contact you (I don't see a link to email anywhere), but you can email me at badcats7@verizon.net. Please do when you're feeling up to it.
Thank you so much for that post. It felt good to read the thoughts that are in my own head and I have such a hard time accepting. I absolutely cannot read the pregnant blogs at all...it hurts so much to read about their experience. I have no plan right now either, and feel so confused. I suppose our plans will come to us somehow...please keep posting and so will I. We can all get through this and sometimes its just easier to have support.
Hang in there. xo
:)
Everything you said rang true to me....I had a blog took it down and now just lurk. But no more do I let my infertility run my life. There is a freedom that comes with acceptance that I am enjoying but every once in awhile it creeps up and bites me that I can't have children, just not as often as it used to. Good luck, hang out, it is a process you are going through, that you need to go through and just because you aren't shooting yourself up doesn't mean you aren't doing something. I think you are healing.
if you're in the new york city area, google new hope fertility. they offer a mini-ivf program that is a lot less than traditional ivf. they also accept all major insurance for consultation/lab tests, etc. be prepared to wait 1-2 hours for your consultation appt though.
K, I'm so glad to see this post from you. I'd been checking your blog daily and went to e-mail you several times. I figured, though, that you were taking a break from all things fertility-related and I didn't want to disturb you.
I completely understand how you're feeling and wish there was something I could do to support you. I am a good listener so if you ever need an ear, I'm here.
Just checking in to say "Hey" and let you know I'm thinking about you! BTW, I forgot to tell you but when D & I got your Xmas card back in December, I immediately told my husband that I was in love with another. Your doggie is quite possibly the cutest in all the land.
Missing you . . .
The whole thing takes such a toll on us. I also hate that it comes down to money. Why don't the insurance companies treat this as the real illness that it is? Why do people who cause themselves harm get coverage but we don't?
I hope writing helps. I think it does for me. Some days I'm not sure about that either.
(thanks for delurking btw!)
I can identify with what you are feeling. We haven't done anything since October 2007 and just thinking about continuing makes me so depressed I don't think I could do it. But admitting that we never will continue is a big leap.
I found your blog through another blog. I'm so sorry for what you've been through. I went through infertility for about 4 years and still clearly remember the pain of it all. Hoping you get your Big Fat Miracle sooner rather than later.
It stinks and its not fair. Infertility hurts and you are warranted in your feelings. i work in a place where every woman has gotten pregnant except me. 4 since I have been working here and that is a hard thing to take. One lady told me that I was 'doing a bad job' of getting pregnant. I wanted to rip her tongue out but instead I shrugged my shoulders. It hurt and it still does.
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