Hello again!

I can't believe it's been over a month since I posted anything here - I'm sorry I've been such a silent blogger! I have, however, been diligently keeping up with all of you. There's been happy news out there, as well as deeply, deeply sad. I've been rejoicing and grieving right along with all of you.

So firstly, Congratulations to Faith! I've been reading along with her since before her successful IVF cycle. It's hard to believe it's been 9 months, and then some! Go and see her beautiful new boys, here.

And if you haven't already been over to visit Cam or Ann during this soul-crushingly sad time, please do - and if you're behind in your reading, like I was last month, go and give some love to ISOMorning Sickness, too. They all need our support now more than ever.


So, you may have guessed that since I haven't been fervently blogging and posting loads of detailed accounts of treatments lately, that we're taking a break. Oh the consternation that is bound up in that phrase: taking a break. Usually in our case all breaks have been physician-mandated ones - wait for a cyst to go away, wait for my lining to thin out, take another cycle of BCP's, etc. This time however, we mandated the break.


We were supposed to start IVF#2 when we came back from our annual Outer Banks beach vacation the first week of September. The several thousand dollar water-pipe repair emergency the second week of September put the kibosh on that month.

So then we were supposed to start in October.....but in the beginning of the month I suddenly realized the origin of the feelings of dread that I had been unconsciously carrying around for several weeks: I was dreading starting a new cycle. I had fallen into a comfort zone, pretending the problem didn't exist, or I was at least relieved not to be consumed by dates and calendars and shots and worries of impending doom for a while. I just blithely ignored the irony of taking my birth control pills each and every night, having been given license to do so by the perpetually pending cycle that was going to start any-minute-now. More than anything I realized how effing tired I am - bored, I would even say - with the whole being-infertile thing. I'm tired of being sad, I'm tired of agonizing over every cycle, I'm tired of worrying about where the money will come from to pay for treatments, I'm tired of structuring and scheduling every other part of lives around the unknown and un-plan-ahead-able requirements of treatments. I'm tired of saying to myself on every holiday or otherwise momentous occasion: I wonder if I'll be pregnant by this time next year? I'm tired of answering the question "Do you have kids?" with an answer like "Not yet!" I'm so, so, so tired of being the person that everyone feels sorry for. I'm even more sick and tired of feeling sorry for myself. I'm tired of thinking about fertility all the time, every day, every week, every month. I'm tired of feeling a sharp pang to the heart when I hear that someone else I know is pregnant, with their first, second, third child. I'm tired of waiting for my life with children to begin. I'm tired of hanging out with other people's children and wistfully thinking of the ones we don't have yet. I'm tired of thinking "someday." I want someday to be soon, now, today. I'm tired, dare I say it - of even talking about this! None of what we have been through in 3 years has made one iota of a difference to the bottom line - Nothing has changed in 3 years: I'm still not pregnant and we still don't have a child.

R and I had several long discussions in October about what we should do - or, I guess more accurately, when we should do it. We decided that it would be very difficult to face the emotional, financial, and physical stress of doing a cycle so close to Thanksgiving and Christmas. I was picturing myself fighting the throngs of people in the malls with bags of gifts and having to duck into messy public restrooms to stick myself with needles. Or being at Thanksgiving dinner all hopped up on hormones and bursting into tears for no outwardly apparent reason. Or receiving the crushing, blackening news of a failed cycle - malfunctioning body, money down the drain, yet another disappointing setback - just before Christmas.

I just didn't think I - we - could handle it. So we've decided to wait until January to embark upon IVF#2. It wasn't an easily reached decision however. At least, not for me. I'm all wound up about the fact that three days from now I'll turn 37. Only 3 years left until I'm 40. I can vividly remember when my mother turned 40, and I thought she was ancient. I don't feel ancient yet, certainly. But when I let myself contemplate the full weight of being thirty-seven years old.....I feel a sense of panic, like there's a rising tide that is swelling up faster and faster, and my legs are buried in the sand. I feel an overwhelming sense of urgency to do something, anything, just do it quick because time is running out! But yet, there's nothing else I can do. Is there?

Well, that actually brings up an issue for another post - I went to an adoption fair yesterday at work. I'll devote an entire post to that emotional event, next.

In other news, I've decided that during this non-cycling down time I should concentrate on eating healthier and losing some weight - getting more fruits and vegetables into my diet, and cutting out bad fats and bad sugars, etc. I decided to try Weight Watchers, for the first time in my life.

I've struggled with my weight my whole life. I went on my first diet when I was 9. I've had a lifelong love-hate relationship with my bathroom scale, let me tell you.

Anyway, one of the reasons I've always been turned off by Weight Watchers was the thought of those gruesome in-person Weight Watchers meetings where all the middle-aged ladies in their elastic waist pants congregate in the fellowship hall of the local baptist church and celebrate losing 1/8 of a pound every week and swap recipes for lightened up versions of tuna casserole. Blech!!!

So, maybe the fact that I finally decided to try this has something to do with the fact that I'm finally accepting my OWN middle-agedness? Or maybe it's because a co-worker told me she hates the idea of going to meetings too and that you can join 'anonymously' online. Who knows? But for better or worse I joined in October, and I've lost 16 pounds and one pants-size so far. Not bad. It hasn't really been that hard to adhere to - that really surprised me. The thing I really like about Weight Watchers is that you can eat anything - anything at all - and it doesn't cause a collapse of your whole diet/system/plan so as to send you into a tailspin and cause you to immediately throw in the towel and begin planning for when you'll RE-START at some point in the future. That is usually my downfall with diets - especially when I was doing Atkins years ago. One slice of bread and you were completely ruined! Knocked out of fat-burning ketosis by one bite of mashed potatoes! It would be days before you could get your bodily chemicals back into the precise balance required to burn the fat and lose weight! There's simply not enough wiggle room in a diet plan like that - at least not for me. It leads to the pound-packing mentality of - "Oh well, I've already gone off the plan today by eating that Snicker's mini from the Halloween candy bowl. It's all downhill from here. Might as well 86 that salad I was planning to eat for lunch and have a grilled cheese instead." But Weight Watchers is much more forgiving. If you eat the Snickers mini, it is not the end of the world, or even of your day. Just means you must adjust your food intake for the rest of the day to compensate. It makes for faaaar less guilt than I'm used to shouldering when it comes to food. This is sad to admit, but I've become accustomed to feeling guilty every time I eat something - no matter what it is. I think Weight Watchers helps people like me to let go of at least a little of that food-guilt, and for that reason I think it's been good for me so far.

But the season that is by far my biggest downfall during this time of year, the thing that strikes fear in my dieting, salad-munching, saturated-fat-avoiding heart, is well upon us. Thanksgiving, you ask? Christmas? Hanukkah? Kwanzaa? Nay, nay - even worse, and MUCH more insidious and long and draaaaawn out: Football Season. Aaaaaaggggjhhhhhhh!!!!

Every Sunday whilst watching the Redskins (lose) I'm assaulted by chicken wings, beer, chips, cheese dip, brownies, beer, chips, pizza, beer, chips....did I mention beer and chips? I'm a sucker for beer and chips. I think I could subsist on beer and chips alone, if the case arose on a deserted isle.... And the worst part is that all this food is usually at my OWN HOUSE! We tend to entertain very frequently during football season. So, invariably, if I'm tempted to go 'off-plan' as the Weight Watchers say, it's on Sundays.

So instead of serving the good stuff for all of our friends, and then forcing myself to either abstain or cry into my celery and carrot sticks all afternoon, I've endeavored to find some recipes for less fat-laden, but still football worthy things to serve on Sunday afternoons.

To wit, the delicious and road-tested recipes cut-and-pasted below (from the Weight Watcher's website.) Everyone at our house has enjoyed these, hope y'all will too. Enjoy!

(For anyone else who happens to be counting Weight Watchers Flex Points, the chicken wings recipe makes 4 servings at 4 points per serving, and the chili recipe makes 10 servings at only 1 point per serving, not including the baked tortilla chips you'll include for dipping.)




Buffalo Wings with Blue Cheese Dip

Ingredients
1 sprays olive oil cooking spray, or enough to coat sheet
12 oz uncooked skinless chicken wing(s)
1 1/4 oz Old El Paso Taco Seasoning Mix, or similar product
1/2 cup fat-free sour cream
2 Tbsp blue cheese, or gorgonzola, crumbled
2 Tbsp fat-free skim milk
4 medium stalk celery, cut into 2-inch pieces

Instructions
Preheat oven to 400ºF. Coat a large baking sheet with cooking spray.

Place chicken wings in a zip-close plastic bag, add taco seasoning, seal bag and shake to coat. Transfer wings to prepared baking sheet and bake until cooked through, about 18 to 20 minutes.

Meanwhile, to prepare dip, whisk together sour cream, cheese and milk.

Serve wings with dip and celery on the side. Yields about 3 wings, 3 tablespoons of dip and 1 celery stalk per serving.




Chili Party Dip

Ingredients
15 oz canned turkey chili without beans
8 oz fat-free cream cheese
4 oz canned jalapeno peppers
1 small onion(s), finely chopped
1/2 tsp hot pepper sauce

Instructions
Combine all ingredients in a saucepan.
Cook over medium heat, stirring frequently, until cheese melts, about 10 minutes. Yields about 1/4 cup per serving.