As expected. Still didn't make the news any easier to hear.
I feel like an empty shell. Metaphorically, emotionally, physically.....My heart feels permanently broken. But I know it isn't.
And in spite of being just SO fucking sick and tired of all of this shit, all I really want to focus on is trying again. I don't want to hear - oh you should just take some time and grieve and think and reflect, blah, blah, blah. No, I'm all out of patience. I'm all done with taking breaks and wasting precious time. I'll be 37 in 3 months. I want to start another cycle now. Today. This very instant! That's the only thing that would make me feel any better. Plowing ahead.
So you can imagine how I wanted to leap through the phone and strangle the receptionist when she told me in a semi-snotty tone that the earliest I could get in to see Dr. G to talk about what went wrong and what we can do next is August 31. There's no WAY I'm waiting an entire month. I emailed my nurse and begged her to cram me into Dr. G's schedule anywhere she could. I would meet him in the parking lot, call him on his cell phone while he's sitting in beltway traffic, meet him at 6am,9pm, the middle of the flippin' night, whatever it takes, just get me an appointment sooner than a month away!
I thought I had prepared myself and all I would feel today is more anger, more bitterness. Interestingly, I mostly feel sad and sorry for myself right now. Not angry, so much. More pitifully disappointed. I bet more of the lovely rage I've been experiencing will be back tomorrow though.
I also don't feel like "talking this out" with any of my best friends like I usually do. The only person I want to talk to is R, and he won't be home from work for another couple of hours.
What is there to say anyway? This sucks. That about sums it up.
Showing posts with label IVF#1. Show all posts
Showing posts with label IVF#1. Show all posts
Tuesday, August 7, 2007
Sunday, August 5, 2007
Hope's on her way out
Well, it's 13 days past my 3 day transfer, which translates to 16dpo, and nary a second line has been spotted. I think it's safe to say at this point that it's all over but the cryin'. It's been more than enough time to have seen a positive result from an HPT, but of course I'll go for the official blood pregnancy test on Tuesday.
My rage has sort of ebbed and flowed this week. I have good moments and bad. Today I had a pitiful trip to the grocery store - is it me or are there more pregnant bellies and mother-child parades per square foot at the grocery store than any other place on earth? Except for maybe, Disney World??? I was overcome and swiping tears off of my face in the frozen food aisle. I'm sure the other shoppers thought I was a wackjob.
But, I'm still glad I've handled things the way that I have - testing everyday so that there was a gradual and incremental grieving period happening each day. I still maintain that I couldn't have handled letting hope blossom and grow stronger and stronger for two whole weeks, having more and more fantasies about being pregnant, and then have it all crushed with one phone call. It's too much suspense, too much build-up, too much riding on that one call that I'd surely hyperventilate or pass out or scream or all of the above. As it is, knowing full well that Tuesday's news will be negative - I STILL don't think I can bring myself to answer the phone when the nurse calls. I decided a long time ago that I was going to let it go to voicemail, so I wouldn't have to make any conversation or say anything at all to the nurse.
I'm sure that Tuesday will still be very difficult, but I think, I hope, I've already processed a lot of my anger and sorrow over the loss of this cycle - which, I feel compelled to iterate, is just a nicer way of saying that our two embryos, our two maybe-babies have died. So, maybe I'm fooling myself, but I don't think I'll completely lose it when I get the news. I could be wrong I guess.
One small glimmer of an idea that is helping me to move on already, is that I just figured out that we may not have to make the big Shared Risk $20+ K payment immediately in order to continue treatment after this. I remembered that we should have at least a few thousand left of insurance coverage, since we didn't need to use anything towards freezing any embryos this cycle. So, I'm pretty sure that to do another cycle we would only need to come up with $4K or so, which is much less daunting than coming up with $20K. So that gives me hope that we can IMMEDIATELY start a new cycle and try again.
After 3 years of this, that's the only thing that makes me feel any better, is the idea that we can pick ourselves up, dust ourselves off, and try again immediately. I think part of the dread I was feeling about possibly failing this time around had to do with the knowledge that we'd likely have to wait for 6 months while we tried to scrounge up the money for shared risk.
I have to say though, I'm just really fucking tired of being patient. I've been patient for 3 years now. I'm sooooooooooo tired of this! What an understatement! It makes me want to jump out a window. The fact that we want this with every fiber of our very beings and there is not ONE thing I can do to exert any control over when it will happen. And in the meantime, I just have to roll with every punch, and keep waiting. Patiently. What choice do we have?
My rage has sort of ebbed and flowed this week. I have good moments and bad. Today I had a pitiful trip to the grocery store - is it me or are there more pregnant bellies and mother-child parades per square foot at the grocery store than any other place on earth? Except for maybe, Disney World??? I was overcome and swiping tears off of my face in the frozen food aisle. I'm sure the other shoppers thought I was a wackjob.
But, I'm still glad I've handled things the way that I have - testing everyday so that there was a gradual and incremental grieving period happening each day. I still maintain that I couldn't have handled letting hope blossom and grow stronger and stronger for two whole weeks, having more and more fantasies about being pregnant, and then have it all crushed with one phone call. It's too much suspense, too much build-up, too much riding on that one call that I'd surely hyperventilate or pass out or scream or all of the above. As it is, knowing full well that Tuesday's news will be negative - I STILL don't think I can bring myself to answer the phone when the nurse calls. I decided a long time ago that I was going to let it go to voicemail, so I wouldn't have to make any conversation or say anything at all to the nurse.
I'm sure that Tuesday will still be very difficult, but I think, I hope, I've already processed a lot of my anger and sorrow over the loss of this cycle - which, I feel compelled to iterate, is just a nicer way of saying that our two embryos, our two maybe-babies have died. So, maybe I'm fooling myself, but I don't think I'll completely lose it when I get the news. I could be wrong I guess.
One small glimmer of an idea that is helping me to move on already, is that I just figured out that we may not have to make the big Shared Risk $20+ K payment immediately in order to continue treatment after this. I remembered that we should have at least a few thousand left of insurance coverage, since we didn't need to use anything towards freezing any embryos this cycle. So, I'm pretty sure that to do another cycle we would only need to come up with $4K or so, which is much less daunting than coming up with $20K. So that gives me hope that we can IMMEDIATELY start a new cycle and try again.
After 3 years of this, that's the only thing that makes me feel any better, is the idea that we can pick ourselves up, dust ourselves off, and try again immediately. I think part of the dread I was feeling about possibly failing this time around had to do with the knowledge that we'd likely have to wait for 6 months while we tried to scrounge up the money for shared risk.
I have to say though, I'm just really fucking tired of being patient. I've been patient for 3 years now. I'm sooooooooooo tired of this! What an understatement! It makes me want to jump out a window. The fact that we want this with every fiber of our very beings and there is not ONE thing I can do to exert any control over when it will happen. And in the meantime, I just have to roll with every punch, and keep waiting. Patiently. What choice do we have?
Wednesday, August 1, 2007
Pissed off to pitiful in 6 hours
9dp3dt
No more spotting since that one little incident on Monday. However, every day when I test, and see that white blank spot staring back at me where a second line should be, it makes me more and more....angry. Good and goddamn well pissed off, is how I felt at 4:30am today when I woke up - having been dreaming as usual of being pregnant - and peed on a stick. Nothing, nada, zilch.
I climbed back into bed, and laid awake until R got up around 6am, feeling progressively more and more full of RAGE. It really scared me, how strongly that emotion washed over me. I was absolutely completely and totally sure that this has all been a giant waste of time, money, and emotions. And why? WHY??!!! Why couldn't this work out for us? IVF works the first time for lots and lots of people. Why not us, goddamn it?
I wanted to throw something against the wall and watch it smash into bits. I wanted to jump out of bed and have a screaming wailing fist-beating tantrum. I wanted hit something, someone, inflict some pain, make something or someone else hurt like I hurt inside all the time. I felt like I was going to fly into bits. I laid there with my heart pounding and pounding and with the blood ringing in my ears and I thought - what will happen to me when I get the final news after Tuesday's beta that this didn't work? And I was terrified.
And now, 6 hours later, I've talked myself down from the ledge, yet again. I've convinced myself that I still have a chance. That 9dp3dt could still be considered a little early for a positive HPT. That some people don't get positive HPTs at ALL, ever, and the blood test still comes back positive. (although the beastly voice in the back of my head says that this is the stuff of false hope and urban infertility legend, and not to believe it, because my blood test is a full 15 days past the 3 day transfer, which equals 18 days past ovulation, and there's only an infinitesimal chance that one wouldn't have HCG showing up in one's urine after all THAT time.) That I should hang onto hope, that there's no reason to think negatively, and that there's every reason to believe it worked, and that we have fallen on the joyous side of the 50% success rate that Dr. G quoted me.
And so, the rage having run it's full course this morning, now I'm feeling plaintive and desperate and pitiful:
Please stay, little embryos, little maybe babies. We love you so much already. You are already here, so just please stay.
We're in awe and spellbound over you already, and we'll be more so with every sonogram, every milestone.
We'll cry in joy and wonder at your birth, your birthdays, your graduations, your accomplishments.
We promise we'll give you our whole hearts, and everything you could ever want or need to the best of our every ability.
We have a room in our house for you already, it's here and waiting for you. We have a giant crazy wonderful extended family who's waiting to love you, too. And a dog who will lick your face and make you laugh. Grandparents who will dote on you and shower you with so much love you won't believe it.
We're all waiting for you, and we have been for so long.
We want you so much. We love you, already. Please, please, please - stay.
No more spotting since that one little incident on Monday. However, every day when I test, and see that white blank spot staring back at me where a second line should be, it makes me more and more....angry. Good and goddamn well pissed off, is how I felt at 4:30am today when I woke up - having been dreaming as usual of being pregnant - and peed on a stick. Nothing, nada, zilch.
I climbed back into bed, and laid awake until R got up around 6am, feeling progressively more and more full of RAGE. It really scared me, how strongly that emotion washed over me. I was absolutely completely and totally sure that this has all been a giant waste of time, money, and emotions. And why? WHY??!!! Why couldn't this work out for us? IVF works the first time for lots and lots of people. Why not us, goddamn it?
I wanted to throw something against the wall and watch it smash into bits. I wanted to jump out of bed and have a screaming wailing fist-beating tantrum. I wanted hit something, someone, inflict some pain, make something or someone else hurt like I hurt inside all the time. I felt like I was going to fly into bits. I laid there with my heart pounding and pounding and with the blood ringing in my ears and I thought - what will happen to me when I get the final news after Tuesday's beta that this didn't work? And I was terrified.
And now, 6 hours later, I've talked myself down from the ledge, yet again. I've convinced myself that I still have a chance. That 9dp3dt could still be considered a little early for a positive HPT. That some people don't get positive HPTs at ALL, ever, and the blood test still comes back positive. (although the beastly voice in the back of my head says that this is the stuff of false hope and urban infertility legend, and not to believe it, because my blood test is a full 15 days past the 3 day transfer, which equals 18 days past ovulation, and there's only an infinitesimal chance that one wouldn't have HCG showing up in one's urine after all THAT time.) That I should hang onto hope, that there's no reason to think negatively, and that there's every reason to believe it worked, and that we have fallen on the joyous side of the 50% success rate that Dr. G quoted me.
And so, the rage having run it's full course this morning, now I'm feeling plaintive and desperate and pitiful:
Please stay, little embryos, little maybe babies. We love you so much already. You are already here, so just please stay.
We're in awe and spellbound over you already, and we'll be more so with every sonogram, every milestone.
We'll cry in joy and wonder at your birth, your birthdays, your graduations, your accomplishments.
We promise we'll give you our whole hearts, and everything you could ever want or need to the best of our every ability.
We have a room in our house for you already, it's here and waiting for you. We have a giant crazy wonderful extended family who's waiting to love you, too. And a dog who will lick your face and make you laugh. Grandparents who will dote on you and shower you with so much love you won't believe it.
We're all waiting for you, and we have been for so long.
We want you so much. We love you, already. Please, please, please - stay.
Monday, July 30, 2007
Spotting - UPDATED
I'm spotting, just a tiny, tiny bit.
This is exactly the same thing that happened in my last IUI. I convinced myself for 2 whole days that it was implantation spotting, and then, my period arrived in full glory.
It's far too late for implantation spotting at 7dp3dt, isn't it? Yes, I know, it is. I think this might be it for this cycle. Just like last time, my body won't even do me the courtesy of making it to beta...
I can't believe this.
****************************************************************
OK, first of all, thank you, thank you, thank you to Jeanie and Samantha and others for your reassuring comments. I have managed to talk myself out of the defeatist attitude from earlier today. I'm not CONVINCED that it's all over, but I'm still skeptical.
The spotting only happened that one time, in the bathroom at work this afternoon. It was gone when I went back the next time. It was pink and brown, not red. But still....
This is exactly the same thing that happened in my last IUI. I convinced myself for 2 whole days that it was implantation spotting, and then, my period arrived in full glory.
It's far too late for implantation spotting at 7dp3dt, isn't it? Yes, I know, it is. I think this might be it for this cycle. Just like last time, my body won't even do me the courtesy of making it to beta...
I can't believe this.
****************************************************************
OK, first of all, thank you, thank you, thank you to Jeanie and Samantha and others for your reassuring comments. I have managed to talk myself out of the defeatist attitude from earlier today. I'm not CONVINCED that it's all over, but I'm still skeptical.
The spotting only happened that one time, in the bathroom at work this afternoon. It was gone when I went back the next time. It was pink and brown, not red. But still....
7dp3dt
Found out over the weekend that none of our 'extra' embryos made it to the freezing stage. Dr. G tried to be reassuring about it - he told us before the transfer that we shouldn't be surprised if we didn't end up with frozen embryos, as less than half of the patients in our clinic don't either.
And then over the weekend he told us that there is absolutely no correlation between the success of the current cycle and whether or not there are embryos available to freeze. He encouraged us again about the quality of the 'compacting' embryo we transferred. And on the day of the transfer, the embryologist reassured us that they regularly see pregnancies from embryos like the "slower" one we also transferred.
In spite of all that, I still feel discouraged.
And I know I'm doing myself such a disservice by POAS every day. (I started on Friday morning, and am now unable to stop.) I'm doing better than last time though - last time I POAS twice, even three times a day! But that only lasted a week, as my period showed up early and put me out of my misery, as far as the suspense goes.
Ask me how many times I've googled these phrases: "earliest BFP after IVF", "earliest accurate HPT after embryo transfer" or "BFP at 4dp3dt, 5dp3dt, 6dp3dt, etc., etc.,) Anyway, I'm powerless against the siren call of the pee sticks in my bathroom.
I think I'm also depressed because for the past 3 nights I've had EXTREMELY vivid dreams of getting a positive pee stick result. I dream that I jump back into bed to tell R, that I grab the dog and dance around the room with him, that I call my mother crying with joy, etc. Then, when I wake up, it takes me a minute to figure out that it was just a dream, which creates the obvious crash back down to reality. GAWD it's awful.
And on top of it all, there's this undercurrent of feeling like I'm fooling myself into thinking this even has a snowball's chance in hell of working. I keep thinking of how idiotic I'll feel when I find out it didn't work, how stupid it was to waste my time imagining symptoms (do my boobs hurt? is it just the progesterone?). I kind of get this vision of myself looking like a total dope with a big stupid grin on my face, going thru all of these machinations for no reason: being all excited, R patting my stomach and referring to 'Frick and Frack' (his names for the 2 embryos), taking pains to avoid caffeine and alcohol, not lifting heavy items, asking R to bring the laundry basket up and down the stairs when I'm doing laundry, carefully timing every one of our evenings so that R gives me the progesterone shot precisely at 10pm every night. Ack! What a rube! What a moron! What a dumb ass!!!
And on top of THAT - I'm in the middle of the first fight I've had with my best friend in many, many years and consequently I feel like the universe has run right off of its goddamn tracks, AND, our beloved Westie - Murphy - nipped at R this morning for absolutely no reason when R was trying to kiss him goodbye.
When R was saying goodbye to us this morning, I was still in bed, and Murphy was laying at the foot of our bed. R's theory is that Murphy can somehow, through his extra doggie perceptiveness, sense that I'm preggo, and his reaction when R came into the room and got down into his face came from some instinct to protect the pregnant lady. I don't buy this for one minute, but I have to admit that I LOVED that R came up with this theory. I found it very touching...
Soooooo, one week down...... one week and one day until beta.....
And then over the weekend he told us that there is absolutely no correlation between the success of the current cycle and whether or not there are embryos available to freeze. He encouraged us again about the quality of the 'compacting' embryo we transferred. And on the day of the transfer, the embryologist reassured us that they regularly see pregnancies from embryos like the "slower" one we also transferred.
In spite of all that, I still feel discouraged.
And I know I'm doing myself such a disservice by POAS every day. (I started on Friday morning, and am now unable to stop.) I'm doing better than last time though - last time I POAS twice, even three times a day! But that only lasted a week, as my period showed up early and put me out of my misery, as far as the suspense goes.
Ask me how many times I've googled these phrases: "earliest BFP after IVF", "earliest accurate HPT after embryo transfer" or "BFP at 4dp3dt, 5dp3dt, 6dp3dt, etc., etc.,) Anyway, I'm powerless against the siren call of the pee sticks in my bathroom.
I think I'm also depressed because for the past 3 nights I've had EXTREMELY vivid dreams of getting a positive pee stick result. I dream that I jump back into bed to tell R, that I grab the dog and dance around the room with him, that I call my mother crying with joy, etc. Then, when I wake up, it takes me a minute to figure out that it was just a dream, which creates the obvious crash back down to reality. GAWD it's awful.
And on top of it all, there's this undercurrent of feeling like I'm fooling myself into thinking this even has a snowball's chance in hell of working. I keep thinking of how idiotic I'll feel when I find out it didn't work, how stupid it was to waste my time imagining symptoms (do my boobs hurt? is it just the progesterone?). I kind of get this vision of myself looking like a total dope with a big stupid grin on my face, going thru all of these machinations for no reason: being all excited, R patting my stomach and referring to 'Frick and Frack' (his names for the 2 embryos), taking pains to avoid caffeine and alcohol, not lifting heavy items, asking R to bring the laundry basket up and down the stairs when I'm doing laundry, carefully timing every one of our evenings so that R gives me the progesterone shot precisely at 10pm every night. Ack! What a rube! What a moron! What a dumb ass!!!
And on top of THAT - I'm in the middle of the first fight I've had with my best friend in many, many years and consequently I feel like the universe has run right off of its goddamn tracks, AND, our beloved Westie - Murphy - nipped at R this morning for absolutely no reason when R was trying to kiss him goodbye.
When R was saying goodbye to us this morning, I was still in bed, and Murphy was laying at the foot of our bed. R's theory is that Murphy can somehow, through his extra doggie perceptiveness, sense that I'm preggo, and his reaction when R came into the room and got down into his face came from some instinct to protect the pregnant lady. I don't buy this for one minute, but I have to admit that I LOVED that R came up with this theory. I found it very touching...
Soooooo, one week down...... one week and one day until beta.....
Friday, July 27, 2007
4dp3dt
Ugggghhhhh. How I hate this goddamn two week wait. I feel like every day lasts for at least 3. Every day the pendulum of my emotions swings in a giant arc: if I wake up feeling hopeful and certain that I'm pregnant, I go to bed terrified and in a cold sweat that I'm not.
I've started rationing the last Harry Potter book to myself. I'm a really fast reader, and could blaze through it in one sitting if I let myself. But I decided that a regular distraction each night would be good for me. Would keep me from obsessively reading back through all of you pregnant ladies' blog entries and taking mental note of your descriptions of your retrievals, transfers, embryo quality, early pregnancy symptoms, etc. Which I'm already doing every goddamn day and so anything that keeps me from doing it at night is a good thing.
So I'm allowing myself 30 minutes of Harry per night. It's working, so far. Although, I may cave in this weekend and just read the whole damn thing. I reason that if I chose, I COULD go back and re-read ALL SEVEN Potter books during this 2ww from hell! That would keep me busy!
Oh, I HATE suspense! I just can't take this! I really can't. I think it's inhumane. It's entirely too much build-up! It's a wonder we don't all work ourselves into such a frenzy that we just combust upon receiving the beta results from our clinics.
By my calculations, a week from now, at 11dp3dt, I should be able to get a fairly reliable result from an HPT. So, a week. Or, a more distant goal - 11 more days until beta. It might as well be a thousand.
I have no symptoms. I feel completely normal. Implantation should have happened already, I think, but I've had no spotting of any kind. Which might mean something. Or it might mean nothing. Bugger!
I have to say though, I'm so, so, so encouraged by the outbreak of knocked-up-edness around here!! If you haven't heard already, go read Baby Blues, Ann, and Les' fabulous news.....I hope the good results are contagious!!!!!!!!
I've started rationing the last Harry Potter book to myself. I'm a really fast reader, and could blaze through it in one sitting if I let myself. But I decided that a regular distraction each night would be good for me. Would keep me from obsessively reading back through all of you pregnant ladies' blog entries and taking mental note of your descriptions of your retrievals, transfers, embryo quality, early pregnancy symptoms, etc. Which I'm already doing every goddamn day and so anything that keeps me from doing it at night is a good thing.
So I'm allowing myself 30 minutes of Harry per night. It's working, so far. Although, I may cave in this weekend and just read the whole damn thing. I reason that if I chose, I COULD go back and re-read ALL SEVEN Potter books during this 2ww from hell! That would keep me busy!
Oh, I HATE suspense! I just can't take this! I really can't. I think it's inhumane. It's entirely too much build-up! It's a wonder we don't all work ourselves into such a frenzy that we just combust upon receiving the beta results from our clinics.
By my calculations, a week from now, at 11dp3dt, I should be able to get a fairly reliable result from an HPT. So, a week. Or, a more distant goal - 11 more days until beta. It might as well be a thousand.
I have no symptoms. I feel completely normal. Implantation should have happened already, I think, but I've had no spotting of any kind. Which might mean something. Or it might mean nothing. Bugger!
I have to say though, I'm so, so, so encouraged by the outbreak of knocked-up-edness around here!! If you haven't heard already, go read Baby Blues, Ann, and Les' fabulous news.....I hope the good results are contagious!!!!!!!!
Monday, July 23, 2007
Day 3 Transfer
We're home from the transfer! I have to say that the embryo transfer was by far the worst part of this whole IVF cycle, from a physical standpoint. I was in sheer agony bc of having a full bladder! I kept telling R that I wasn't sure I could hold it any longer. When the doctor finally came in and was threading the catheter through my cervix, I told her that I was half convinced that I was going to pee on her at any moment. She clearly thought I was kidding. I wasn't.
I cried through the whole thing. Partly emotions, I'm sure, but also because the nurse was pressing down on my bladder AND my swollen ovaries the entire time. Aaaaaaarrrrgggghhhhhh!!! Man, that really hurt. Obviously, worth it in every way, but still - that was worse than sub Q shots, IM shots, and egg retrieval all rolled into one!!
So the good news is that we had one embryo that was "super-fantastic fabulous looking", but the bad news is that the rest of our embryos are slackers. The dr. said that they like to see embryos between 6 and 10 cells by Day 3. Only one of ours hit that mark this morning, at 8 cells, and the dr. said that it was already showing signs of compacting and dividing again, so it's definitely an overachiever. We transferred the super fantastic one, as well as the next best one, which was at 5 cells this morning. The doc said that they certainly see pregnancies all the time from "so-so" embryos that are still growing a little too slowly on Day 3. She didn't see any reason we should risk transferring more than 2, even with the slower progress of the second one. She then said, in reality, if we do get pregnant, we'll never know whether it was from the superstar embryo, or the C student embryo. Interesting to think about that...
Our other 3 embryos had only made it to 4 cells by the this morning, so they said they would continue watching them to see if they make it to blast and are able to be frozen. But, I'm not holding out too much hope for that.
Anyway, now I'm on bed rest, and R is waiting on me hand and foot, which I have to admit is very nice! I don't know how the hell I'm supposed to be able to stand waiting until AUGUST 7 for our beta test!! Lord knows I will have peed on many a stick by then, but I'll have to hide it from R. He thinks it is a ridiculous waste of money, and he doesn't like the fact that I get all worked up over it every single morning. I think he'd prefer to save all the tears and drama until the end. I'm just not built that way though.....there's no way I could last for 2 weeks without getting some preliminary results from a pee stick.
As soon as I'm up and about again on Wednesday, I'm going to lay in a supply of First Response tests.
And so the wait begins........
I cried through the whole thing. Partly emotions, I'm sure, but also because the nurse was pressing down on my bladder AND my swollen ovaries the entire time. Aaaaaaarrrrgggghhhhhh!!! Man, that really hurt. Obviously, worth it in every way, but still - that was worse than sub Q shots, IM shots, and egg retrieval all rolled into one!!
So the good news is that we had one embryo that was "super-fantastic fabulous looking", but the bad news is that the rest of our embryos are slackers. The dr. said that they like to see embryos between 6 and 10 cells by Day 3. Only one of ours hit that mark this morning, at 8 cells, and the dr. said that it was already showing signs of compacting and dividing again, so it's definitely an overachiever. We transferred the super fantastic one, as well as the next best one, which was at 5 cells this morning. The doc said that they certainly see pregnancies all the time from "so-so" embryos that are still growing a little too slowly on Day 3. She didn't see any reason we should risk transferring more than 2, even with the slower progress of the second one. She then said, in reality, if we do get pregnant, we'll never know whether it was from the superstar embryo, or the C student embryo. Interesting to think about that...
Our other 3 embryos had only made it to 4 cells by the this morning, so they said they would continue watching them to see if they make it to blast and are able to be frozen. But, I'm not holding out too much hope for that.
Anyway, now I'm on bed rest, and R is waiting on me hand and foot, which I have to admit is very nice! I don't know how the hell I'm supposed to be able to stand waiting until AUGUST 7 for our beta test!! Lord knows I will have peed on many a stick by then, but I'll have to hide it from R. He thinks it is a ridiculous waste of money, and he doesn't like the fact that I get all worked up over it every single morning. I think he'd prefer to save all the tears and drama until the end. I'm just not built that way though.....there's no way I could last for 2 weeks without getting some preliminary results from a pee stick.
As soon as I'm up and about again on Wednesday, I'm going to lay in a supply of First Response tests.
And so the wait begins........
Sunday, July 22, 2007
Day 2 Fertilization Report
All 5 embryos are still thriving and dividing normally! Transfer will be Day 3, tomorrow, at 10:45am.
Hurray!
2 week wait begins tomorrow.....well, technically I guess it will be the 12 day wait. No matter, I will still be going out of my gourd the whole time. And against all sense of decorum and sanity, I'm planning to POAS at every opportunity, daily towards the end. I am not one for any sort of suspense, and I can't stand the thought of going in for a beta and getting a subsequent phone call without being able to prepare myself in advance for bad news.
More tomorrow!
Hurray!
2 week wait begins tomorrow.....well, technically I guess it will be the 12 day wait. No matter, I will still be going out of my gourd the whole time. And against all sense of decorum and sanity, I'm planning to POAS at every opportunity, daily towards the end. I am not one for any sort of suspense, and I can't stand the thought of going in for a beta and getting a subsequent phone call without being able to prepare myself in advance for bad news.
More tomorrow!
Saturday, July 21, 2007
Day 1 Fertilization Report
Well, I'm trying really hard not to feel completely deflated. We have 5 good embyros as of this morning.
Yesterday they told me that that they'd call btw 12 and 3 with the fertilization report, so when Dr. G called me at 9am, my heart leapt into my throat, and I just knew that he was calling to say that none of them fertilized, or that none of them made it thru the night.
Instead he said that all 14 of the eggs they retrieved were mature. He said that was great, since only mature eggs are able to be fertilized. But, he went on to say that although 9 of the 14 fertilized, only 5 began dividing normally. The other 4 either divided abnormally, or were fertilized with more than one sperm.
So, on Day 1, we only have 5. Dr. G. said that he could tell by the tone of my voice that I was crestfallen, but that this was actually good news. He reminded me that he has had many, many patients with similar fert reports who went on to get pregnant. I'm sure that's true.
I guess I just had this fantasy that R and I were going to turn out to be the superheros of the IVF world. That we'd have maybe 10 or 12 fabulous embryos on Day 1, that we'd end up with 5 or 6 superb looking blastocyts on Day 5, and that we'd have lots of embryos to freeze as an insurance policy or for future family building attempts. Doesn't look like that will be the case. I'm now just praying that we end up with at least two to transfer.
I asked Dr. G if today's report meant that we'd most likely have a Day 3 transfer, since we have so few already. He said that it's still too early to know the answer to that, but that 80% of the patients at this clinic have Day 3 transfers, so that was always a safe bet.
He'll call tomorrow to let us know how they fare overnight, and what we're left with.
I have to say, I'm very surprised at the depth of emotion I feel for the embryos - all 9 of them. I didn't expect for this to feel so real - for it to really hit home so quickly that these tiny little multi-celled living things have the potential to be children with R's beautiful brown skin and my eyes running around our house. I didn't expect to have any sort of grief feelings yet, for the embryos that didn't make it, but I do.
We are praying, praying, praying hard for our 5 little precious embryos up there in the lab. Please, please be strong! Just a few more days and you can be nestled snugly in your new home...
Yesterday they told me that that they'd call btw 12 and 3 with the fertilization report, so when Dr. G called me at 9am, my heart leapt into my throat, and I just knew that he was calling to say that none of them fertilized, or that none of them made it thru the night.
Instead he said that all 14 of the eggs they retrieved were mature. He said that was great, since only mature eggs are able to be fertilized. But, he went on to say that although 9 of the 14 fertilized, only 5 began dividing normally. The other 4 either divided abnormally, or were fertilized with more than one sperm.
So, on Day 1, we only have 5. Dr. G. said that he could tell by the tone of my voice that I was crestfallen, but that this was actually good news. He reminded me that he has had many, many patients with similar fert reports who went on to get pregnant. I'm sure that's true.
I guess I just had this fantasy that R and I were going to turn out to be the superheros of the IVF world. That we'd have maybe 10 or 12 fabulous embryos on Day 1, that we'd end up with 5 or 6 superb looking blastocyts on Day 5, and that we'd have lots of embryos to freeze as an insurance policy or for future family building attempts. Doesn't look like that will be the case. I'm now just praying that we end up with at least two to transfer.
I asked Dr. G if today's report meant that we'd most likely have a Day 3 transfer, since we have so few already. He said that it's still too early to know the answer to that, but that 80% of the patients at this clinic have Day 3 transfers, so that was always a safe bet.
He'll call tomorrow to let us know how they fare overnight, and what we're left with.
I have to say, I'm very surprised at the depth of emotion I feel for the embryos - all 9 of them. I didn't expect for this to feel so real - for it to really hit home so quickly that these tiny little multi-celled living things have the potential to be children with R's beautiful brown skin and my eyes running around our house. I didn't expect to have any sort of grief feelings yet, for the embryos that didn't make it, but I do.
We are praying, praying, praying hard for our 5 little precious embryos up there in the lab. Please, please be strong! Just a few more days and you can be nestled snugly in your new home...
Friday, July 20, 2007
Retrieval
I'm home from the retrieval, very loopy and sleepy.....it went very well. I'm relieved to report that this time, I was completely out and felt nothing during the procedure! Thank God!
They got 14 eggs, which I'm told is good!
More tomorrow when the fertilization report comes in!
They got 14 eggs, which I'm told is good!
More tomorrow when the fertilization report comes in!
Wednesday, July 18, 2007
Is it in yet??
OMG, we just did the trigger shot, and here's an excerpt from the conversation btw me and R:
R: "OK sweetie, are you ready?"
K: "Um, yeah, I guess so." (voice shaking, palms sweating, on the verge of tears)
R: "Are you sure? Are you ready?"
K: "Yeah, yeah, I'm ready. I'M READY!" (at this point, I had the bathroom counter top in a death grip, and was panting in anticipation of the jolt of pain)
R: "OK baby, here we go..."
K: "Ok, ok, okokokokokokokokokokok..."
R: ......
K: (pant, pant, pant, grind fingernails into counter)
R: ........
K: "Is it in yet? IS IT IN THERE YET?????!!!!!!!!!!"
R: "OK, I'm going to press the plunger in now, ready?"
K: "You mean it's in already? You put it all the way in? Are you sure it's all the way in there???"
R: "Yeah, it's all the way in."
K: "Are you sure? Did you pull back on the plunger? Was there any blood? Did you check for blood? Are you SURE???!!!"
R: "Yes, yes, no blood. It's all over. I pushed the medicine all the way in, it's over."
K: "WHAT?? Are you SURE? I didn't feel it?? I didn't feel a thing - I mean, I didn't even feel at all! I can't believe it! I can't believe I didn't feel it AT ALL!!!"
R: "Oh shit."
K: "WHAT??!!!"
R: "I just pulled it out and you're bleeding everywhere - hand me something, quick!"
R & K: (after pasting a bandaid on my frozen ass) "We did it! We actually did it!"
K: (ever the voice of doom and gloom) "I didn't feel that AT ALL. I can't believe it!.....But, the progesterone in oil will be much harder, because it's so much thicker. I'm sure THAT will hurt...."
Immediately after R left the bathroom, I started crying. From relief. I had worked myself up into such a frenzy while mixing up the diluent with the hcg powder because those fucking needles are SO. FUCKING. HUGE. I was shaking when I handed the goddamn thing back to R. I just couldn't believe I was going to have to take that gigantic needle in my ass every night for God knows how long. It looked like it was about the size of steak knife for fuck's sake.
Oooooooooooooooh thank you thank you thank you thank you Lord for ice packs. Thank GOD I couldn't feel it! I am heaving such a huge sigh of relief right now, you have no idea. Well actually, most of you do have a very good idea. Wheeeeeeeeeeeeewwwwwwwwww.
I can totally take it if the PIO hurts when the medicine goes into my muscle, I am fine and dandy with bruises and muscle pain and not being able to sit down the next day. But I don't know if I could take it if I had to feel that 6 foot long needle going in every time, I really don't. Thank you Lord!
Next hurdle, Friday morning's retrieval.
:)
R: "OK sweetie, are you ready?"
K: "Um, yeah, I guess so." (voice shaking, palms sweating, on the verge of tears)
R: "Are you sure? Are you ready?"
K: "Yeah, yeah, I'm ready. I'M READY!" (at this point, I had the bathroom counter top in a death grip, and was panting in anticipation of the jolt of pain)
R: "OK baby, here we go..."
K: "Ok, ok, okokokokokokokokokokok..."
R: ......
K: (pant, pant, pant, grind fingernails into counter)
R: ........
K: "Is it in yet? IS IT IN THERE YET?????!!!!!!!!!!"
R: "OK, I'm going to press the plunger in now, ready?"
K: "You mean it's in already? You put it all the way in? Are you sure it's all the way in there???"
R: "Yeah, it's all the way in."
K: "Are you sure? Did you pull back on the plunger? Was there any blood? Did you check for blood? Are you SURE???!!!"
R: "Yes, yes, no blood. It's all over. I pushed the medicine all the way in, it's over."
K: "WHAT?? Are you SURE? I didn't feel it?? I didn't feel a thing - I mean, I didn't even feel at all! I can't believe it! I can't believe I didn't feel it AT ALL!!!"
R: "Oh shit."
K: "WHAT??!!!"
R: "I just pulled it out and you're bleeding everywhere - hand me something, quick!"
R & K: (after pasting a bandaid on my frozen ass) "We did it! We actually did it!"
K: (ever the voice of doom and gloom) "I didn't feel that AT ALL. I can't believe it!.....But, the progesterone in oil will be much harder, because it's so much thicker. I'm sure THAT will hurt...."
Immediately after R left the bathroom, I started crying. From relief. I had worked myself up into such a frenzy while mixing up the diluent with the hcg powder because those fucking needles are SO. FUCKING. HUGE. I was shaking when I handed the goddamn thing back to R. I just couldn't believe I was going to have to take that gigantic needle in my ass every night for God knows how long. It looked like it was about the size of steak knife for fuck's sake.
Oooooooooooooooh thank you thank you thank you thank you Lord for ice packs. Thank GOD I couldn't feel it! I am heaving such a huge sigh of relief right now, you have no idea. Well actually, most of you do have a very good idea. Wheeeeeeeeeeeeewwwwwwwwww.
I can totally take it if the PIO hurts when the medicine goes into my muscle, I am fine and dandy with bruises and muscle pain and not being able to sit down the next day. But I don't know if I could take it if I had to feel that 6 foot long needle going in every time, I really don't. Thank you Lord!
Next hurdle, Friday morning's retrieval.
:)
"Ding!" They're done!
Largest follicle at 23mm as of this morning, as well as several more at 20 thru 17mm.
So......trigger tonight! Retrieval on Friday!! Transfer on Monday or Wednesday, depending on how the embryos are doing!!!
I can't believe it.
I'm delighted, and thrilled, and grinning, and my heart hasn't stopped pounding since I left the RE's office this morning.
But, I'm very apprehensive about 2 things:
First, and most imminent, I'm reeeeealllly anxious about the intra-muscular injections. Since I'm not taking Ovidrel, and taking the generic 5,000iu hcg shot instead, it has to be taken IM instead of subQ. So, it all starts tonight! Ack! I also thought I needn't worry about the progesterone-in-oil injections until after the Transfer - but I found out today that I have to start those on Friday after the Retrieval! Waaaaaahh!!!
The nurse at my RE's office drew two big black circles on either side of my ass, so that R would have perfect targets. She recommended icing the area before hand, so that you don't feel the needle going in (which prevents flinching). She said I should put something warm on it immediately afterwards (a heating pad, a wet washcloth in a baggie microwaved for a minute, etc.) and massage it for awhile, and further, that I shouldn't do the shot just before going to bed. The idea is that I should be moving around enough afterwards for the oil to get worked into the muscle, instead of just sitting there in a lump all night.
I KNOW that I can and will do whatever it takes. I know that I can do this. But since I've never had an IM injection, I'm letting myself get all worked up over it. I'm really, really dreading it. Maybe it is the psychological aspects of giving up control to R, (which has nothing to do with trust - I trust him completely), as well as the shock of looking at such a huuuuuge needle. It elicits a visceral reaction. Ugh.
And the other thing that I'm anxious about is the retrieval process. So, if you remember, the faux retrieval I had last time, which we called a "Follicle Reduction", was incredibly painful. Under no circumstances do I want to feel all those needle punctures in my ovaries again! This morning I told the nurse about my experience, and she was totally horrified. She PROMISED that I would be TOTALLY out for the retrieval this time around, and that I wouldn't feel anything during the procedure. She said that she would put a note in my chart that I wanted to speak to the anesthesiologist beforehand in order to relate my past experience. I guess that makes me feel slightly reassured?? I'm still a ball of nerves over it though.
I'll post again after my first IM shot tonight, if I survive.....
So......trigger tonight! Retrieval on Friday!! Transfer on Monday or Wednesday, depending on how the embryos are doing!!!
I can't believe it.
I'm delighted, and thrilled, and grinning, and my heart hasn't stopped pounding since I left the RE's office this morning.
But, I'm very apprehensive about 2 things:
First, and most imminent, I'm reeeeealllly anxious about the intra-muscular injections. Since I'm not taking Ovidrel, and taking the generic 5,000iu hcg shot instead, it has to be taken IM instead of subQ. So, it all starts tonight! Ack! I also thought I needn't worry about the progesterone-in-oil injections until after the Transfer - but I found out today that I have to start those on Friday after the Retrieval! Waaaaaahh!!!
The nurse at my RE's office drew two big black circles on either side of my ass, so that R would have perfect targets. She recommended icing the area before hand, so that you don't feel the needle going in (which prevents flinching). She said I should put something warm on it immediately afterwards (a heating pad, a wet washcloth in a baggie microwaved for a minute, etc.) and massage it for awhile, and further, that I shouldn't do the shot just before going to bed. The idea is that I should be moving around enough afterwards for the oil to get worked into the muscle, instead of just sitting there in a lump all night.
I KNOW that I can and will do whatever it takes. I know that I can do this. But since I've never had an IM injection, I'm letting myself get all worked up over it. I'm really, really dreading it. Maybe it is the psychological aspects of giving up control to R, (which has nothing to do with trust - I trust him completely), as well as the shock of looking at such a huuuuuge needle. It elicits a visceral reaction. Ugh.
And the other thing that I'm anxious about is the retrieval process. So, if you remember, the faux retrieval I had last time, which we called a "Follicle Reduction", was incredibly painful. Under no circumstances do I want to feel all those needle punctures in my ovaries again! This morning I told the nurse about my experience, and she was totally horrified. She PROMISED that I would be TOTALLY out for the retrieval this time around, and that I wouldn't feel anything during the procedure. She said that she would put a note in my chart that I wanted to speak to the anesthesiologist beforehand in order to relate my past experience. I guess that makes me feel slightly reassured?? I'm still a ball of nerves over it though.
I'll post again after my first IM shot tonight, if I survive.....
Monday, July 16, 2007
Day 18 of Stims - Report
So, the follicles are growing, ever so slowly but surely! The largest one was up to 18mm this morning! Several others btw 17 and 14, and the rest are still under 12.
I was so impressed this weekend with Dr. G, I can't stop thinking/talking about it! So, on Sunday morning when I went in for monitoring, I only saw the nurse, not Dr. G. And for the first time I had at least one follicle at 17mm. Progress at last! As usual, later in the afternoon the nurse called me on my cell phone to give my my dosage instructions. She told me to stay on the same doses (225 of Follistim, 75 of Menopur, and 5 of Lupron in the morning.)
But then, around 6pm on Sunday evening, Dr. G. called me. He said that he was excited to hear that the wanding had shown some progress and growth, but that he had been thinking about it all afternoon, and that he had decided that he wanted to take my dose of Follistim down a little for that night, to 150ius. He said that he wanted to continue seeing me every single day so that he could watch things very, very carefully. He said he wanted to get in at least 2 or 3 more days of stimulation, because he thought we could get a good number of mature ones if we proceed in a very controlled manner. Since my E2 had jumped from 192 to 436 over the weekend, he was concerned that we not let it skyrocket until we have more than just one or two mature follicles. Slow and steady wins the race, in this case.
So - I'm just soooo impressed with this guy. Obviously he's going to look like a prince compared to what I was dealing with before. But even bearing in mind my point of reference, I think he has an incredibly sensitive and caring bedside manner. I mean, the man probably got 50 charts dumped on his "desk" (perhaps he gets info virtually, i don't know?) after monitoring hours were over, and then he calls me at home to say that he's been thinking about my status all afternoon????? Come on, in this day and age, that is a little surprising, and very impressive, in my opinion.
I feel very blessed to have moved on to this practice, and to this doctor, in particular. I have much hope in my heart for this cycle. So much so that I drug out one of my pregnancy books last night, "Pregnancy Over 30, Everything You Need to Know". Ugh, what a guilty pleasure it was, reading through some of those chapters. I confined myself to the most innocuous parts - the How to Conceive chapters mainly....then I indulged myself in the first chapter after the "Congratulations, You're Pregnant" header, which was all about how to eat right. That seemed safe enough.
Of course I'm not going to jinx myself by pulling out "What to Expect When You Are Expecting". I'm not that stupid. I haven't read that one since November 2004, the month after R and I returned from our honeymoon, and I decided to "get serious" about trying to conceive. A small part of me was actually indignant that we didn't get pregnant on our honeymoon, 2 weeks after I went off the pill. (insert bitter, jaded laughter here)
So, in November '04, I went to the bookstore one Saturday and bought a ton of pregnancy books. I couldn't WAIT to read "What to Expect". I had seen that book given as a shower gift several times, and to me, it represented entrance into the world of expectant mothers, parenting, the 'Mommy Club', being a 'real' family, etc. I pored over the photos of the developing child in utero, I loved the play-by-play accounts of what the mother should be feeling and seeing and experiencing. I think I read the whole book in two nights, I was that entranced and excited.
I remember thinking that if we got pregnant in November, that despite the 'rule' about not announcing it to the world until the end of the first trimester (when all the danger miraculously disappears, right?), that I wanted to tell our families when we were all together at Christmas. I got all choked up thinking about it. I could hardly wait! Oh Lord, it seems like a totally different woman, who had all of those naive thoughts. It's like remembering how you felt about something when you were a teenager, and looking back on your teen aged self and thinking "oh, girl, if you only KNEW!"
These are the things that make me so sad about infertility. I feel like I'll never get back that pure and hopeful perspective on things. I hate that I feel so jaded and bitter. I hate that I've become so good at being pessimistic as a means of protecting myself. If you expect the worst, you'll always be pleasantly surprised, right?
A year ago I just accepted that with all we were going through, it was normal to feel depressed, normal to feel frustrated, normal to feel bitter and angry, etc. I assumed that once I was holding a baby in my arms, all of the negativity would recede, and I'd go back to being my normally happy and optimistic self.
Lately I've begun to worry that this struggle, once behind us, won't ever really fully recede. That this experience has permanently changed my personality. That even after I'm rocking my child to sleep at night, I'll still be snarky, angry, jealous, quick to judge, and more self-centered than I've ever been....
I'm already worried about this. But if this first IVF cycle, the only one that is somewhat subsidized by my insurance, fails? Oh boy. Look out world. An even MORE unpleasant version of me will be unleashed. I'm absolutely terrified that we'll end this summer just as not-pregnant as when we started, and I just don't know what that's going to do to me.
I was so impressed this weekend with Dr. G, I can't stop thinking/talking about it! So, on Sunday morning when I went in for monitoring, I only saw the nurse, not Dr. G. And for the first time I had at least one follicle at 17mm. Progress at last! As usual, later in the afternoon the nurse called me on my cell phone to give my my dosage instructions. She told me to stay on the same doses (225 of Follistim, 75 of Menopur, and 5 of Lupron in the morning.)
But then, around 6pm on Sunday evening, Dr. G. called me. He said that he was excited to hear that the wanding had shown some progress and growth, but that he had been thinking about it all afternoon, and that he had decided that he wanted to take my dose of Follistim down a little for that night, to 150ius. He said that he wanted to continue seeing me every single day so that he could watch things very, very carefully. He said he wanted to get in at least 2 or 3 more days of stimulation, because he thought we could get a good number of mature ones if we proceed in a very controlled manner. Since my E2 had jumped from 192 to 436 over the weekend, he was concerned that we not let it skyrocket until we have more than just one or two mature follicles. Slow and steady wins the race, in this case.
So - I'm just soooo impressed with this guy. Obviously he's going to look like a prince compared to what I was dealing with before. But even bearing in mind my point of reference, I think he has an incredibly sensitive and caring bedside manner. I mean, the man probably got 50 charts dumped on his "desk" (perhaps he gets info virtually, i don't know?) after monitoring hours were over, and then he calls me at home to say that he's been thinking about my status all afternoon????? Come on, in this day and age, that is a little surprising, and very impressive, in my opinion.
I feel very blessed to have moved on to this practice, and to this doctor, in particular. I have much hope in my heart for this cycle. So much so that I drug out one of my pregnancy books last night, "Pregnancy Over 30, Everything You Need to Know". Ugh, what a guilty pleasure it was, reading through some of those chapters. I confined myself to the most innocuous parts - the How to Conceive chapters mainly....then I indulged myself in the first chapter after the "Congratulations, You're Pregnant" header, which was all about how to eat right. That seemed safe enough.
Of course I'm not going to jinx myself by pulling out "What to Expect When You Are Expecting". I'm not that stupid. I haven't read that one since November 2004, the month after R and I returned from our honeymoon, and I decided to "get serious" about trying to conceive. A small part of me was actually indignant that we didn't get pregnant on our honeymoon, 2 weeks after I went off the pill. (insert bitter, jaded laughter here)
So, in November '04, I went to the bookstore one Saturday and bought a ton of pregnancy books. I couldn't WAIT to read "What to Expect". I had seen that book given as a shower gift several times, and to me, it represented entrance into the world of expectant mothers, parenting, the 'Mommy Club', being a 'real' family, etc. I pored over the photos of the developing child in utero, I loved the play-by-play accounts of what the mother should be feeling and seeing and experiencing. I think I read the whole book in two nights, I was that entranced and excited.
I remember thinking that if we got pregnant in November, that despite the 'rule' about not announcing it to the world until the end of the first trimester (when all the danger miraculously disappears, right?), that I wanted to tell our families when we were all together at Christmas. I got all choked up thinking about it. I could hardly wait! Oh Lord, it seems like a totally different woman, who had all of those naive thoughts. It's like remembering how you felt about something when you were a teenager, and looking back on your teen aged self and thinking "oh, girl, if you only KNEW!"
These are the things that make me so sad about infertility. I feel like I'll never get back that pure and hopeful perspective on things. I hate that I feel so jaded and bitter. I hate that I've become so good at being pessimistic as a means of protecting myself. If you expect the worst, you'll always be pleasantly surprised, right?
A year ago I just accepted that with all we were going through, it was normal to feel depressed, normal to feel frustrated, normal to feel bitter and angry, etc. I assumed that once I was holding a baby in my arms, all of the negativity would recede, and I'd go back to being my normally happy and optimistic self.
Lately I've begun to worry that this struggle, once behind us, won't ever really fully recede. That this experience has permanently changed my personality. That even after I'm rocking my child to sleep at night, I'll still be snarky, angry, jealous, quick to judge, and more self-centered than I've ever been....
I'm already worried about this. But if this first IVF cycle, the only one that is somewhat subsidized by my insurance, fails? Oh boy. Look out world. An even MORE unpleasant version of me will be unleashed. I'm absolutely terrified that we'll end this summer just as not-pregnant as when we started, and I just don't know what that's going to do to me.
Wednesday, July 11, 2007
Quick report: 13th day of stims
This morning's ultrasound revealed very "plump" looking follicles which are starting to grow!! On Monday they were all under 10mm; today there were some at 11mm and some at 12mm!
I know that sounds like a paltry increase in size - but this represents real progress for me, people!! Last stim there were absolutely no signs of activity in there for 55 days!!
The office just called to tell me to up my dose of Follistim from 150ius to 225ius tonight (the highest dose I've ever taken), and to come back tomorrow morning. Dr. G isn't playing around!
I'm just happy to be making some progress, any progress. It helps me to maintain those ever elusive hopeful feelings......
I know that sounds like a paltry increase in size - but this represents real progress for me, people!! Last stim there were absolutely no signs of activity in there for 55 days!!
The office just called to tell me to up my dose of Follistim from 150ius to 225ius tonight (the highest dose I've ever taken), and to come back tomorrow morning. Dr. G isn't playing around!
I'm just happy to be making some progress, any progress. It helps me to maintain those ever elusive hopeful feelings......
Monday, July 9, 2007
Progress Report - Day 11 of stims - Updated!!!!
Actually, I'm really not sure whether this is a 'progress' report or a 'status quo' report??
So, according to the latest wanding session I have 14 follicles on my right ovary that are all under 10mm, and 16 follicles on my left ovary under 10mm. At my last two appointments Dr. G said that although they were all still small, they were showing signs of growing, and better still, that they were all growing at the same rate. Last week he said that although it was slow going with me, that so far this is exactly the response he would have hoped for.
My E2 (estrogen) levels had been rising pretty steadily, from 30-something, to 60-something, to 110-something on Thursday morning last week. But then, when I went in on Saturday over this past weekend, for some bizarre reason my E2 had dropped all the way back down to 30-something! Who knows why my broken body reacts the way it does, but it is just so frustrating.
So, over the weekend he upped my dose of Follistim from 112ius to 150ius. We kept the Menopur dose the same, at 37.5ius. I was hoping this would cause a commotion in there - because remember, on my last cycle, 200 was the dose at which things really got going.
But, ho-hum, this morning's wanding revealed that all my little follicles are still just that - little. All are still under 10mm. I saw Dr. B this morning instead of Dr. G, and Dr. B said not to get too discouraged, and that the blood work would be more revealing and more of a diagnostic tool than the wanding at this stage of the game. If my E2 comes back low again, she said they'd likely up the dose again. If not, I'll probably stick to the 150ius dose until the next wanding on Wednesday morning.
I'm so anxious to see some real activity! I'm soooooooo preoccupied with getting to the retrieval-transfer stage. In spite of my best efforts to remain numb, Hope has taken up residence in earnest. I have almost nightly dreams about babies - not that we're pregnant, but that we already have a baby that I'm feeding and carrying and rocking and kissing. Last night I even dreamed that we had twins! (In the dream, Pamela Andersen Lee was our nanny, and our neighbors called the police bc Tommy Lee kept showing up and shouting in our front yard, but I digress......)
Anyway, the point is that the possibility of success seems all too real to me - easily visualized. Even as horrifically dangerous as I know this is, this outlook is making me all the more anxious and full of nervous energy and ready for action!!!!
However, part of my bubble was definitely burst this morning in the RE's office. A woman came in as I was signing in at the receptionist's desk, and announced that she had come bearing gifts for the office. She brought forth a giant shopping bag, and as she hauled out sharp's containers, needles, syringes, leftover medication, etc., she told the nurses that she wanted to donate all of her unused items because she and her husband were "DONE."
She said, "...we've been at this for more than 3 years now, and as of today, we're either pregnant, or we're done. And I pee'ed on a stick last night and came up with squat, so I believe we're officially done." She went on to ask for a form to officially withdraw from shared risk.
When she sat down, I broke the cardinal rule of etiquette in RE waiting rooms across the nation(which dictates strict silence and lack of eye contact)and I said as empathetically as I could, "I hope the Goddamn stick was wrong!" She smiled and said, "Thanks, but after 3 years, seven thousand dollars worth of drugs for each cycle that our HMO won't cover, and the last 2 months of walking around looking like I'm already 2 months pregnant, I've just had it with this shit. I hope someone else can use my leftover drugs, and that they'll have a better outcome than we did."
What amazed me was how upbeat and straightforward she seemed to be about this resolute decision. I was thinking that were I in that position, I'd likely be overcome with the poor-me's, and would be swollen-faced and bleary-eyed, asking for tissues along with the shared risk withdrawal form.
For the rest of my wait, I had to battle the monster negative thoughts that came at me full force - "you seeee? there are no guarantees even with IVF! if it didn't work for her, why in blue blazes would you think it could possibly work for you? this first cycle is never going to work, never ever. and after that, even if you scrounge up the money to buy 6 chances in shared risk, none of THOSE are going to work either! that's going to be you 1 or 2 years from now, throwing up your hands, crying uncle, asking for your money back bc you'll be broke after paying for all of those drugs!!"
I think I've gotten those crappy thoughts back under control now, but caged as they are, they are still there, niggling at the back of my mind and threatening to overcome Hope's voice at any moment.
This afternoon's phone call with my E2 results could really help to banish those thoughts even further back, if my levels are indeed heading in the right direction......
*******************************************************************************
UPDATE: E2 level is back up to 112! All doses to remain the same until I go back on Wednesday morning.....
So, according to the latest wanding session I have 14 follicles on my right ovary that are all under 10mm, and 16 follicles on my left ovary under 10mm. At my last two appointments Dr. G said that although they were all still small, they were showing signs of growing, and better still, that they were all growing at the same rate. Last week he said that although it was slow going with me, that so far this is exactly the response he would have hoped for.
My E2 (estrogen) levels had been rising pretty steadily, from 30-something, to 60-something, to 110-something on Thursday morning last week. But then, when I went in on Saturday over this past weekend, for some bizarre reason my E2 had dropped all the way back down to 30-something! Who knows why my broken body reacts the way it does, but it is just so frustrating.
So, over the weekend he upped my dose of Follistim from 112ius to 150ius. We kept the Menopur dose the same, at 37.5ius. I was hoping this would cause a commotion in there - because remember, on my last cycle, 200 was the dose at which things really got going.
But, ho-hum, this morning's wanding revealed that all my little follicles are still just that - little. All are still under 10mm. I saw Dr. B this morning instead of Dr. G, and Dr. B said not to get too discouraged, and that the blood work would be more revealing and more of a diagnostic tool than the wanding at this stage of the game. If my E2 comes back low again, she said they'd likely up the dose again. If not, I'll probably stick to the 150ius dose until the next wanding on Wednesday morning.
I'm so anxious to see some real activity! I'm soooooooo preoccupied with getting to the retrieval-transfer stage. In spite of my best efforts to remain numb, Hope has taken up residence in earnest. I have almost nightly dreams about babies - not that we're pregnant, but that we already have a baby that I'm feeding and carrying and rocking and kissing. Last night I even dreamed that we had twins! (In the dream, Pamela Andersen Lee was our nanny, and our neighbors called the police bc Tommy Lee kept showing up and shouting in our front yard, but I digress......)
Anyway, the point is that the possibility of success seems all too real to me - easily visualized. Even as horrifically dangerous as I know this is, this outlook is making me all the more anxious and full of nervous energy and ready for action!!!!
However, part of my bubble was definitely burst this morning in the RE's office. A woman came in as I was signing in at the receptionist's desk, and announced that she had come bearing gifts for the office. She brought forth a giant shopping bag, and as she hauled out sharp's containers, needles, syringes, leftover medication, etc., she told the nurses that she wanted to donate all of her unused items because she and her husband were "DONE."
She said, "...we've been at this for more than 3 years now, and as of today, we're either pregnant, or we're done. And I pee'ed on a stick last night and came up with squat, so I believe we're officially done." She went on to ask for a form to officially withdraw from shared risk.
When she sat down, I broke the cardinal rule of etiquette in RE waiting rooms across the nation(which dictates strict silence and lack of eye contact)and I said as empathetically as I could, "I hope the Goddamn stick was wrong!" She smiled and said, "Thanks, but after 3 years, seven thousand dollars worth of drugs for each cycle that our HMO won't cover, and the last 2 months of walking around looking like I'm already 2 months pregnant, I've just had it with this shit. I hope someone else can use my leftover drugs, and that they'll have a better outcome than we did."
What amazed me was how upbeat and straightforward she seemed to be about this resolute decision. I was thinking that were I in that position, I'd likely be overcome with the poor-me's, and would be swollen-faced and bleary-eyed, asking for tissues along with the shared risk withdrawal form.
For the rest of my wait, I had to battle the monster negative thoughts that came at me full force - "you seeee? there are no guarantees even with IVF! if it didn't work for her, why in blue blazes would you think it could possibly work for you? this first cycle is never going to work, never ever. and after that, even if you scrounge up the money to buy 6 chances in shared risk, none of THOSE are going to work either! that's going to be you 1 or 2 years from now, throwing up your hands, crying uncle, asking for your money back bc you'll be broke after paying for all of those drugs!!"
I think I've gotten those crappy thoughts back under control now, but caged as they are, they are still there, niggling at the back of my mind and threatening to overcome Hope's voice at any moment.
This afternoon's phone call with my E2 results could really help to banish those thoughts even further back, if my levels are indeed heading in the right direction......
*******************************************************************************
UPDATE: E2 level is back up to 112! All doses to remain the same until I go back on Wednesday morning.....
Monday, July 2, 2007
God Bless Dr. G!
My estrogen came back low, so I started the stims on Friday. Yee-haaa!! Kind of like riding a bike, that nightly injection routine. I fell right back into my old rhythm and ritual like I hadn't ever stopped.
However, the other thing that started this weekend, in earnest, was the Lupron-induced headaches. Great googly moogly, the goddamn headaches! Speaking from the perspective of one who has suffered through probably 5 big migraine headaches in her life - truth be told, these little Lupron headaches are but a mere trifle by comparison. I mean, it's not like I must take to my bed or anything, BUT it is a miserable thing to have a persistent headache that just won't seem to go away. I was popping Advil like Pez candies all through the weekend, and in so doing, bought myself maybe an hour's worth of relief each time. And then, the blasted headache would come right back! Aaarrgh.
So, this morning I had my first wanding/monitoring session, and when Dr. G asked me how I was feeling, I was truthful. I told him that these Lupron headaches were cramping my style! The first thing he said was that I must stay away from Advil, Motrin, etc. Apparently ibuprofen could cause a "blood issue" when it comes time for retrieval. Not really sure what that means, but OK, he's the doctor, so I'll buy it.
Then he said that I really should be taking Tylenol instead. The nurse in the room sort of snorted when he said that, at which point Dr. G started laughing too, and admitted that Tylenol is really worthless for headache pain. He acknowledged that Tylenol did absolutely nothing for his own headache pain, and that he might as well swallow an M&M, as far as analgesic prowess was concerned.
Kind soul that he is, he offered to write me a prescription for Tylenol 3, should I so desire? I can't drive while taking that, or operate at full mental capacity for that matter - but at least, he reasoned, I could take a Tylenol 3 if a headache were to prevent me from sleeping. However, he continued on to say that actually, Tylenol 3 is hard on some folks stomach's, and in fact, why didn't he just go on and prescribe me some Vicodin? The fireworks on Wednesday would seem all the more effervescent after one of those babies! I, not being a complete FOOL, gladly accepted the scrip on my way out the door!
So, my presiding sentiment for today is one of thankfulness for the amazing bedside manner of my Dr. G. - a more caring and attentive doctor I haven't ever had the pleasure of meeting. It's interesting...the further I get into this experience at the new clinic, the more I notice the stark contrast between RE's. I would have had to grovel and beg at the previous clinic for any sort of sympathetic perspective, or even acknowledgment of discomfort - let alone a prescription! Please! The prevailing attitude at the previous clinic was kind of like - hey, you CHOSE to go through this treatment, and this is the reality of that treatment, so try not to be such a baby about it and suck it up.
Trying, trying not to think too far into the future as to the potential for success for this cycle. To allow myself to do so would invite emotional calamity, somehow. BUT, I have to say that Dr. G's manner is really causing me to have overall "good vibes" about our chances this time around. Plus, every time I talk to my Mom, she says she feels in her heart that this time will be 'it' for us. Oooohhhhh how I want to jump on that bandwagon with her!!
I report back on Thursday am for another wanding session. Until then, same dosage continues.....
However, the other thing that started this weekend, in earnest, was the Lupron-induced headaches. Great googly moogly, the goddamn headaches! Speaking from the perspective of one who has suffered through probably 5 big migraine headaches in her life - truth be told, these little Lupron headaches are but a mere trifle by comparison. I mean, it's not like I must take to my bed or anything, BUT it is a miserable thing to have a persistent headache that just won't seem to go away. I was popping Advil like Pez candies all through the weekend, and in so doing, bought myself maybe an hour's worth of relief each time. And then, the blasted headache would come right back! Aaarrgh.
So, this morning I had my first wanding/monitoring session, and when Dr. G asked me how I was feeling, I was truthful. I told him that these Lupron headaches were cramping my style! The first thing he said was that I must stay away from Advil, Motrin, etc. Apparently ibuprofen could cause a "blood issue" when it comes time for retrieval. Not really sure what that means, but OK, he's the doctor, so I'll buy it.
Then he said that I really should be taking Tylenol instead. The nurse in the room sort of snorted when he said that, at which point Dr. G started laughing too, and admitted that Tylenol is really worthless for headache pain. He acknowledged that Tylenol did absolutely nothing for his own headache pain, and that he might as well swallow an M&M, as far as analgesic prowess was concerned.
Kind soul that he is, he offered to write me a prescription for Tylenol 3, should I so desire? I can't drive while taking that, or operate at full mental capacity for that matter - but at least, he reasoned, I could take a Tylenol 3 if a headache were to prevent me from sleeping. However, he continued on to say that actually, Tylenol 3 is hard on some folks stomach's, and in fact, why didn't he just go on and prescribe me some Vicodin? The fireworks on Wednesday would seem all the more effervescent after one of those babies! I, not being a complete FOOL, gladly accepted the scrip on my way out the door!
So, my presiding sentiment for today is one of thankfulness for the amazing bedside manner of my Dr. G. - a more caring and attentive doctor I haven't ever had the pleasure of meeting. It's interesting...the further I get into this experience at the new clinic, the more I notice the stark contrast between RE's. I would have had to grovel and beg at the previous clinic for any sort of sympathetic perspective, or even acknowledgment of discomfort - let alone a prescription! Please! The prevailing attitude at the previous clinic was kind of like - hey, you CHOSE to go through this treatment, and this is the reality of that treatment, so try not to be such a baby about it and suck it up.
Trying, trying not to think too far into the future as to the potential for success for this cycle. To allow myself to do so would invite emotional calamity, somehow. BUT, I have to say that Dr. G's manner is really causing me to have overall "good vibes" about our chances this time around. Plus, every time I talk to my Mom, she says she feels in her heart that this time will be 'it' for us. Oooohhhhh how I want to jump on that bandwagon with her!!
I report back on Thursday am for another wanding session. Until then, same dosage continues.....
Friday, June 29, 2007
Let the wandings begin!!
So, my BCP-withdrawal induced period began on Wednesday, miraculously right on time. I'm choosing to take that as a sign of good things ahead for this cycle. Wouldn't it be just fabulous to have a body that reacts predictably to external stimuli? (Read that: drugs, drugs, and more drugs.)
I've been taking the Lupron injections every morning now for over a week. The needles are so tiny, I almost can't even feel them! I've only had one bruise, from yesterday morning - I was half asleep and on auto-pilot, and just kind of jabbed myself willy-nilly. Every other deliberate stick has been painless and bruise-less.
This morning I went in for the Day 3 baseline sonogram and blood draw. All things considered, it was as pleasant an experience as one can have, getting one's arm stuck and one's hoo-ha probed.
Everything looks quiet, except for the usual suspects - the ever-present cysts on my my poly-freakin'-cystic ovaries. But Dr. G said as long as my estrogen comes back low, I'm good to go to start the stims tonight. Woo-hoo! I'll be filling up another few Sharp's containers soon enough!
(Btw, I'm morbidly fascinated by the 4 CHOCK FULL Sharp's containers residing under my bathroom sink which are left over from my last marathon injection cycle. No manner of self-counseling has spurred me to haul them back to the RE's office for disposal. I get some perverse sense of accomplishment from hefting their weight and imagining exactly how many needles and syringes are stuffed into each container. How many needle sticks in the belly does that container represent? How many dollars worth of drugs were injected through those used syringes? I really can't bring myself to get rid if them. I don't know why. I think I might have a problem.)
My protocol for the weekend is as follows (assuming my estrogen comes back low): 112.5 ius of Follistim and 37.5 ius of Menopur each night, 5 units of Lupron every morning, plus my pre-natal vitamin and baby aspirin (which, for anyone who doesn't know, is supposed to help with implantation).
I go back on Monday morning for another wanding session. Meantime, I'll be resuming my nightly pep talks to the ovaries. Get off your duffs in there, girls! Time to make the eggs!!
I've been taking the Lupron injections every morning now for over a week. The needles are so tiny, I almost can't even feel them! I've only had one bruise, from yesterday morning - I was half asleep and on auto-pilot, and just kind of jabbed myself willy-nilly. Every other deliberate stick has been painless and bruise-less.
This morning I went in for the Day 3 baseline sonogram and blood draw. All things considered, it was as pleasant an experience as one can have, getting one's arm stuck and one's hoo-ha probed.
Everything looks quiet, except for the usual suspects - the ever-present cysts on my my poly-freakin'-cystic ovaries. But Dr. G said as long as my estrogen comes back low, I'm good to go to start the stims tonight. Woo-hoo! I'll be filling up another few Sharp's containers soon enough!
(Btw, I'm morbidly fascinated by the 4 CHOCK FULL Sharp's containers residing under my bathroom sink which are left over from my last marathon injection cycle. No manner of self-counseling has spurred me to haul them back to the RE's office for disposal. I get some perverse sense of accomplishment from hefting their weight and imagining exactly how many needles and syringes are stuffed into each container. How many needle sticks in the belly does that container represent? How many dollars worth of drugs were injected through those used syringes? I really can't bring myself to get rid if them. I don't know why. I think I might have a problem.)
My protocol for the weekend is as follows (assuming my estrogen comes back low): 112.5 ius of Follistim and 37.5 ius of Menopur each night, 5 units of Lupron every morning, plus my pre-natal vitamin and baby aspirin (which, for anyone who doesn't know, is supposed to help with implantation).
I go back on Monday morning for another wanding session. Meantime, I'll be resuming my nightly pep talks to the ovaries. Get off your duffs in there, girls! Time to make the eggs!!
Tuesday, June 19, 2007
Guess now I'm in a 'Mock 2WW'. Should I practice going insane?
So, I've been hanging out here in BCP land, with nothing much to report and no deep thoughts to share for a quite a while now. Thought I'd post a quick update on my fledgling (yet still exciting, to me!) IVF cycle.
So, today marks 2 and 1/2 weeks that I've been on the blasted bcp's, which meant it was a good week to get my Mock Embryo Transfer procedure out of the way. One more pre-requisite that I can cross off of my countdown-to-IVF checklist!!
For anyone who is unfamiliar with this procedure, it is basically a dress rehearsal of the transfer procedure that will be performed for the gorgeous embryos that R and I are going to make later this summer. Because a transcervical embryo transfer is essentially a 'blind' procedure, most doctors like to do a test run in advance of egg/embryo development, while there is still plenty of time to react to any unexpected difficulties or complications with catheterization or uterine position.
During the procedure, they thread a special catheter through your cervix into your uterus, and they measure the angle and shape of your cervical canal, as well as the depth of your uterus, to make sure they know what size instruments to use, etc. There was no pain involved - in fact the the only thing I could really feel at all was the speculum going in, and then I could feel when they filled my uterus with saline, in order to observe via ultrasound the shape, depth, etc. It was quite interesting to watch, on the ultrasound screen, actually.
Since this morning, I've had some bleeding and cramping on and off, but nothing worth complaining about, really.
I start the daily Lupron injections this Friday! Never having taken this particular drug, I'm not sure what to expect? I've never really had any side effects from anything I've taken so far, not even Clomid, so I'm not really worried. I remember reading on someone's blog that she thought the Lupron shots stung worse than the stimulating drugs. That would be a bummer.
I also found out today what my starting drug protocol will be for stims. I was a little dissapointed at the low dosage he wants to start me on, but I'm trying to just relax and trust him.
Last time, Dr. D started me at 75ius of Follistim. Then I went up from there over the course of 2 months to 200 ius of Follistim - my highest dose, and the dose at which I finally began responding (and over-responding.) Dr. D didn't add in any Menopur until I was already at 150ius of Follistim. My dose of Menopur remained constant for the 2 weeks that I took it - 75ius.
So, Dr. G is recommending that I start out at 100 ius of Follistim, and 50 ius of Menopur. I think he believes that my response at the end of the last cycle may have had more to do with the addition of the Menopur than with the higer dose of Follistim. Let's hope he is right!
At any rate, I do feel good about the fact that Dr. G reiterated to me today that he will not let me go on and on with the stims for weeks and weeks....he said that the longest he would consider going would be about 16 or 18 days. If nothing is happening, we'll stop, and regroup - possibly try another drug protocol.
So, that's my story for now, y'all! I'm trying to allow a healthy amount of hope to start to develop, without letting myself get too carried away....isn't that always the trick?
So, today marks 2 and 1/2 weeks that I've been on the blasted bcp's, which meant it was a good week to get my Mock Embryo Transfer procedure out of the way. One more pre-requisite that I can cross off of my countdown-to-IVF checklist!!
For anyone who is unfamiliar with this procedure, it is basically a dress rehearsal of the transfer procedure that will be performed for the gorgeous embryos that R and I are going to make later this summer. Because a transcervical embryo transfer is essentially a 'blind' procedure, most doctors like to do a test run in advance of egg/embryo development, while there is still plenty of time to react to any unexpected difficulties or complications with catheterization or uterine position.
During the procedure, they thread a special catheter through your cervix into your uterus, and they measure the angle and shape of your cervical canal, as well as the depth of your uterus, to make sure they know what size instruments to use, etc. There was no pain involved - in fact the the only thing I could really feel at all was the speculum going in, and then I could feel when they filled my uterus with saline, in order to observe via ultrasound the shape, depth, etc. It was quite interesting to watch, on the ultrasound screen, actually.
Since this morning, I've had some bleeding and cramping on and off, but nothing worth complaining about, really.
I start the daily Lupron injections this Friday! Never having taken this particular drug, I'm not sure what to expect? I've never really had any side effects from anything I've taken so far, not even Clomid, so I'm not really worried. I remember reading on someone's blog that she thought the Lupron shots stung worse than the stimulating drugs. That would be a bummer.
I also found out today what my starting drug protocol will be for stims. I was a little dissapointed at the low dosage he wants to start me on, but I'm trying to just relax and trust him.
Last time, Dr. D started me at 75ius of Follistim. Then I went up from there over the course of 2 months to 200 ius of Follistim - my highest dose, and the dose at which I finally began responding (and over-responding.) Dr. D didn't add in any Menopur until I was already at 150ius of Follistim. My dose of Menopur remained constant for the 2 weeks that I took it - 75ius.
So, Dr. G is recommending that I start out at 100 ius of Follistim, and 50 ius of Menopur. I think he believes that my response at the end of the last cycle may have had more to do with the addition of the Menopur than with the higer dose of Follistim. Let's hope he is right!
At any rate, I do feel good about the fact that Dr. G reiterated to me today that he will not let me go on and on with the stims for weeks and weeks....he said that the longest he would consider going would be about 16 or 18 days. If nothing is happening, we'll stop, and regroup - possibly try another drug protocol.
So, that's my story for now, y'all! I'm trying to allow a healthy amount of hope to start to develop, without letting myself get too carried away....isn't that always the trick?
Monday, June 4, 2007
Day One!
Well, Miss Priss arrived over the weekend, on Saturday. Hallelujah! Talked to my nurse at the clinic today, and she said to start the BCPs tonight!! Woop-woop!! And we're off to the races my friends!
I know I'm a broken record, but I s-t-i-l-l can't really believe we're doing IVF. I keep waiting for the other shoe to drop. Every time the clinic calls, I expect them to say, "Yes, K, well there was this mix-up, see? And you can't really do IVF. NO, no, heavens no - what were you thinking? Certainly not..."
So, I'm to stay on the BCPs for 3 weeks, and on 6/19 I go for the Mock Embryo Transfer. I know that's like, a really necessary thing, and all? But, I swear - something about the name of that procedure just totally cracks me up every time. I imagine all these high school kids dressed up like doctors with fake mustaches and glasses that are too big for them standing in their drama club room reading from scripts with fake grown up accents or something. "Ahem, ahem....yes Nurse, um Jones? Could you hand me the um, speculatum? Ahem, ahem, I mean the uh, um speck-you-lum?..." Sheeew - see, I've gone and cracked myself up again!!
The nurse said she had to check with Dr. G as to what doses of all the various drugs I'll be on for this cycle. That's one of the (many) things that I'm worried about actually. When I had my consult, I asked him how high a dose of Follistim/Menopur he would be willing to start me on? After 60 endless days of shots last time around, I only began to respond when I had reached about 200ius of Follistim and 75ius of Menopur. He responded that he wouldn't make me start out anywhere near as low as I did previously, but neither would he recommend starting me right off the bat at those highest doses. He said that he wanted to confer with the other doctors in the practice and get their opinions on it, before stating the actual doses he recommends. So, I'm worried they'll all convince him to be as conservative as Dr. D, and I'll be right back to the drip-drip-drip torture I had before.
It's really not so much that I mind taking subQ shots for a long period of time - I'm not even really bothered by that. As I've said before, there's something comforting, in a deeply twisted way, about the habit-forming nature of those solitary shoot-up sessions in the bathroom every night. And frankly, at this point, I wouldn't bat an eyelash if they told me I'd have to take a thousand shots in this cycle. Whatever it takes, however many shots, however many days - bring it on.
What makes me more anxious than the thought of shooting the drugs....is the thought of having to pay for all the drugs. Especially if this drags out again. I think in my last IUI cycle, I had to reorder boxes of medication about 7 times. The thought of forking over all that money chills my heart.
And speaking of ordering drugs, my clinic steers patients with no drug coverage to order from Schraft's Pharmacy, citing that they are easiest to deal with, have free FedEx shipping, and have the most reasonable prices. I've ordered from them in the past, back when I still had drug coverage, and was always very pleased with them. But - you used to be able to go to their website and see all of their prices listed - this was extremely helpful if you wanted to shop around and make SURE that they had the best price for a certain drug. I went to their site yesterday, and discovered that they've apparently been swallowed whole by the mega-pharmacy Walgreen's. I hate to be cynical, but I'd be willing to bet any amount of money (the cost of this cycle, heh heh) that all the things I loved about little Schraft's, your friendly neighborhood infertility drug source, are about to get sucked down the tubes. Goodbye excellent customer service, goodbye reasonable and competitive prices, goodbye focusing on the actual person using the drugs, goodbye free shipping, goodbye convenience of having all the info you really need at your fingertips on their website....
I sincerely hope that I'm pleasantly surprised in this regard. However, what I experienced when I tried to go to their website is a very bad sign. The old Schraft's website has disappeared. The only info you can glean from the site now is several vague pages about Walgreen's and how they really care about their customers and that's why they have this specialty pharmacy for infertility drugs. No pricing, no logistics about shipping, no names of any of the doctors or pharmacists on staff there, no detailed information on the drugs themselves - just an endless loop of pages that all lead back to one nameless, faceless, generic Walgreens 1-800 number. Ugh.
Yes, I do realize it's ridiculous to get worked up over such a seemingly small detail in the grand scheme of all things infertility. But, you know, I already feel like I'm constantly frittering away hour after hour on the phone every day with nurses, administrators, insurance reps, drug coverage insurance reps, labs, former doctors, blah, blah, BLAH trying to cut through endless swaths of red tape. This is just one more thing to have to DEAL with, if you know what I mean. Oh, the bureaucracy! It makes me feel defeated, just thinking about it.
Sigh. I've really GOT to learn how to handle stress more efficiently. Watson graciously recommended anjionline.com for fertility-oriented meditation techniques. I took her advice to heart, and signed up for some sample fertility meditation downloads. And, I TRIED, people. Honest to GOD, I really, really tried to pay attention, and focus, and quiet my thoughts and feel calm and collected and send healing energy towards my girly bits......But, I felt like an idiot! I had fifty FRILLION thoughts buzzing through my head the whole time: about work that day, about whether the sound I just heard was the dog licking his paw again, which I've TOLD him not to do anymore, about what I was going to wear for my meeting with Ms. Senior VP at work the next day, about how many minutes earlier I was going to have to get up the next day in order to make it to the gas station because I forgot to do so on the way home........I just simply could NOT make them stop. For every healing thought I had, 25 more came whizz-banging through my head at the speed of light. I just don't think I'm cut out for meditation?? Maybe if I took a valium first? But, then I wouldn't need to meditate to relax...
I know I'm a broken record, but I s-t-i-l-l can't really believe we're doing IVF. I keep waiting for the other shoe to drop. Every time the clinic calls, I expect them to say, "Yes, K, well there was this mix-up, see? And you can't really do IVF. NO, no, heavens no - what were you thinking? Certainly not...
So, I'm to stay on the BCPs for 3 weeks, and on 6/19 I go for the Mock Embryo Transfer. I know that's like, a really necessary thing, and all? But, I swear - something about the name of that procedure just totally cracks me up every time. I imagine all these high school kids dressed up like doctors with fake mustaches and glasses that are too big for them standing in their drama club room reading from scripts with fake grown up accents or something. "Ahem, ahem....yes Nurse, um Jones? Could you hand me the um, speculatum? Ahem, ahem, I mean the uh, um speck-you-lum?..." Sheeew - see, I've gone and cracked myself up again!!
The nurse said she had to check with Dr. G as to what doses of all the various drugs I'll be on for this cycle. That's one of the (many) things that I'm worried about actually. When I had my consult, I asked him how high a dose of Follistim/Menopur he would be willing to start me on? After 60 endless days of shots last time around, I only began to respond when I had reached about 200ius of Follistim and 75ius of Menopur. He responded that he wouldn't make me start out anywhere near as low as I did previously, but neither would he recommend starting me right off the bat at those highest doses. He said that he wanted to confer with the other doctors in the practice and get their opinions on it, before stating the actual doses he recommends. So, I'm worried they'll all convince him to be as conservative as Dr. D, and I'll be right back to the drip-drip-drip torture I had before.
It's really not so much that I mind taking subQ shots for a long period of time - I'm not even really bothered by that. As I've said before, there's something comforting, in a deeply twisted way, about the habit-forming nature of those solitary shoot-up sessions in the bathroom every night. And frankly, at this point, I wouldn't bat an eyelash if they told me I'd have to take a thousand shots in this cycle. Whatever it takes, however many shots, however many days - bring it on.
What makes me more anxious than the thought of shooting the drugs....is the thought of having to pay for all the drugs. Especially if this drags out again. I think in my last IUI cycle, I had to reorder boxes of medication about 7 times. The thought of forking over all that money chills my heart.
And speaking of ordering drugs, my clinic steers patients with no drug coverage to order from Schraft's Pharmacy, citing that they are easiest to deal with, have free FedEx shipping, and have the most reasonable prices. I've ordered from them in the past, back when I still had drug coverage, and was always very pleased with them. But - you used to be able to go to their website and see all of their prices listed - this was extremely helpful if you wanted to shop around and make SURE that they had the best price for a certain drug. I went to their site yesterday, and discovered that they've apparently been swallowed whole by the mega-pharmacy Walgreen's. I hate to be cynical, but I'd be willing to bet any amount of money (the cost of this cycle, heh heh) that all the things I loved about little Schraft's, your friendly neighborhood infertility drug source, are about to get sucked down the tubes. Goodbye excellent customer service, goodbye reasonable and competitive prices, goodbye focusing on the actual person using the drugs, goodbye free shipping, goodbye convenience of having all the info you really need at your fingertips on their website....
I sincerely hope that I'm pleasantly surprised in this regard. However, what I experienced when I tried to go to their website is a very bad sign. The old Schraft's website has disappeared. The only info you can glean from the site now is several vague pages about Walgreen's and how they really care about their customers and that's why they have this specialty pharmacy for infertility drugs. No pricing, no logistics about shipping, no names of any of the doctors or pharmacists on staff there, no detailed information on the drugs themselves - just an endless loop of pages that all lead back to one nameless, faceless, generic Walgreens 1-800 number. Ugh.
Yes, I do realize it's ridiculous to get worked up over such a seemingly small detail in the grand scheme of all things infertility. But, you know, I already feel like I'm constantly frittering away hour after hour on the phone every day with nurses, administrators, insurance reps, drug coverage insurance reps, labs, former doctors, blah, blah, BLAH trying to cut through endless swaths of red tape. This is just one more thing to have to DEAL with, if you know what I mean. Oh, the bureaucracy! It makes me feel defeated, just thinking about it.
Sigh. I've really GOT to learn how to handle stress more efficiently. Watson graciously recommended anjionline.com for fertility-oriented meditation techniques. I took her advice to heart, and signed up for some sample fertility meditation downloads. And, I TRIED, people. Honest to GOD, I really, really tried to pay attention, and focus, and quiet my thoughts and feel calm and collected and send healing energy towards my girly bits......But, I felt like an idiot! I had fifty FRILLION thoughts buzzing through my head the whole time: about work that day, about whether the sound I just heard was the dog licking his paw again, which I've TOLD him not to do anymore, about what I was going to wear for my meeting with Ms. Senior VP at work the next day, about how many minutes earlier I was going to have to get up the next day in order to make it to the gas station because I forgot to do so on the way home........I just simply could NOT make them stop. For every healing thought I had, 25 more came whizz-banging through my head at the speed of light. I just don't think I'm cut out for meditation?? Maybe if I took a valium first? But, then I wouldn't need to meditate to relax...
Thursday, May 31, 2007
Waiting on Miss Priss
So, while I'm here in limbo-land, waiting on my prissy period to deign to grace me with her presence, I thought I'd post about something inspiring I heard today.
I attended a funeral today, for my best friend's father-in-law. He was interred with military honors at Quantico Cemetery at the Marine Corps base in Quantico, VA. It was a beautiful service, and the presiding chaplain delivered rather unique remarks, in my opinion. They were the most upbeat and joyful remarks I've ever heard at a funeral or interment service, and I've been to far too many.
In addition to the typical, "he was 81 years old, he lived a long, full life" type of stuff, the chaplain also admonished the rest of us to take joy in our own lives and loved ones - to wring the most out of every life experience we have, each and every day. While smiling a big infectious smile, he said (and I'm paraphrasing here), "We don't have much time here, any of us - so love your family and friends with your whole heart. Forgive everyone! For everything! Life is too short to harbor resentment. Let the love pour out of your heart at every opportunity! If you love someone, tell them! Try to be conscious of the joy in every life experience!"
I was particularly uplifted by this, and have been thinking about it all day. It helped to reset my perspective a little, which is always a good thing. His sentiments remind me of a passage that is very dear to my Mom. She has it framed by her bedside. (I believe we first heard this in a benediction delivered by our most beloved Dr. P, the former minister of our church, and the man who married R and me two and a half years ago):
Life is short.
We do not have much time to gladden the hearts of those who travel with us.
So be swift to love,
and make haste to be kind.
I think that says it all, folks.
I attended a funeral today, for my best friend's father-in-law. He was interred with military honors at Quantico Cemetery at the Marine Corps base in Quantico, VA. It was a beautiful service, and the presiding chaplain delivered rather unique remarks, in my opinion. They were the most upbeat and joyful remarks I've ever heard at a funeral or interment service, and I've been to far too many.
In addition to the typical, "he was 81 years old, he lived a long, full life" type of stuff, the chaplain also admonished the rest of us to take joy in our own lives and loved ones - to wring the most out of every life experience we have, each and every day. While smiling a big infectious smile, he said (and I'm paraphrasing here), "We don't have much time here, any of us - so love your family and friends with your whole heart. Forgive everyone! For everything! Life is too short to harbor resentment. Let the love pour out of your heart at every opportunity! If you love someone, tell them! Try to be conscious of the joy in every life experience!"
I was particularly uplifted by this, and have been thinking about it all day. It helped to reset my perspective a little, which is always a good thing. His sentiments remind me of a passage that is very dear to my Mom. She has it framed by her bedside. (I believe we first heard this in a benediction delivered by our most beloved Dr. P, the former minister of our church, and the man who married R and me two and a half years ago):
Life is short.
We do not have much time to gladden the hearts of those who travel with us.
So be swift to love,
and make haste to be kind.
I think that says it all, folks.
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)
